The Top 10 Toronto Maple Leaf fights of all-time

As you may have noticed, the Maple Leafs have finally entered the Brian Burke era. Sure, he's been around since last November, but only now are we seeing a team that plays the sort of game Burke wants. And as you may have noticed, that means the occasional scrap.

So this seems like as good a time as any to take a look back on some of the great fights in the Leafs history. (As always on DGB, "Leafs history" is defined as "from the time I started watching". So we're talking the mid-80s on.)

Let's start the countdown...

10. Wendel Clark vs. Viacheslav Fetisov

So let me get this straight: this fight is going to feature a cowardly Russian who rarely fights, and Wendel Clark. And also, Clark is angry. Hm. Can't imagine how this one will turn out.

Well, look on the bright side Slava. You did better than Cam Neely.

Years later, historians would credit this fight with ending the cold war.

• Read more about this fight.

9. Darcy Tucker vs. the Ottawa Senators

When it comes to players on the team you cheer for, there are five stages of crazy:

1. Hey, I like this guy, he seems a little crazy.
   
2. Wow, this guy is completely insane, he's awesome.
   
3. You know, this whole "crazy" thing is wearing a little thin.
   
4. I'm tired of this guy, he's dangerous and unhinged and I don't enjoy cheering for him.
   
5. OH MY GOD HE JUST KAMIKAZIED THE OTHER TEAM'S BENCH, I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO MARRY HIM!

Seriously, the 2003 era Darcy Tucker probably should have been medicated.

• Read more about this fight.

8. Wendel Clark vs. Bob Brooke/Wendel Clark vs. David Mackey (tie)

Sorry, it's difficult to choose just one fight for the "Wendel Clark completely killing a Minnesota North Star" category.

Dear god, I miss the Norris division.

• Read more about these fights.

7. Mark Bell vs. the Ottawa Senators after the Alfredsson hit.

Oh wait, sorry, that was meant for my upcoming list of "10 Greatest Purse-Swingings".

Instead, let's go with:

7. Wade Belak vs. Cam Janssen

This fight was the much anticipated payback for Janssen's late hit that injured Tomas Kaberle and caused every Leaf on the ice to become intensely interested in their skates. Or, as we now refer to it, "the least truculent moment of all time".

This was also Belak's last great moment as an NHL heavyweight. He now plays for a team called the Nashville Predators, who I can only assume are in the KHL.

6. John Kordic vs. Basil McRae

By my count, Kordic and McRae fought about 700 times during Kordic's time in Toronto, and just about every one looked exactly like this.

(And yes, the entertainment value of fights like this alone should be enough to convince you that Kordic for Courtnall was a good trade. Don't pretend you didn't know I was bringing that up.)

5. Wendel Clark vs. Bob Probert

I always liked Bob Probert. He had his demons, but he seemed like an honorable guy on the ice. This fight was from the famous night when Probert returned to Canada for the first time after resolving his legal problems.

Thankfully, Probert eventually put an end to his personal cycle of self-destructive behaviour. Oh, he kept doing drugs and drinking for a few more years, but he stopped fighting Wendel.

• Read more about these fight.

4. Sylvain Lefebvre vs Rob Brown

Here's a tip: if you play for a team that wears black and red, and you wear #44, don't try to fight in Toronto. Isn't that right, Mike Peluso, Patrick Eaves, and especially Rob Brown?

Hm, that was a great clip but I can't help but feel like something was missing. Hmmm...

Much better!

3. Tie Domi vs a fat Flyers fan

Here's an actual transcript of what's going through this fan's mind. "Hey, Domi just sprayed water on me, which technically ends my month-long streak of not bathing! I think I'll bang on the glass and try to look tough when I know he can't reach me. Hm, I wonder if this glass can support 300 lbs of cheesesteak and loneliness? No, apparently it can not. Oh god, I'm going to die. Also, I just soiled myself on national television. Go Flyers!"

Side note: Before this happened, if I told you that an NHL player would have a chance to speed bag a loudmouthed fan but it would be ruined at the last second by an over-eager linesman, you would have just assumed it was Kevin Collins, wouldn't you? Yes you would have.

2. Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall

You really had to be a Leafs fan in the mid-90s to understand how ridiculous this fight was. Ron Hextall was the scariest goaltender the league had seen since Billy Smith. Felix Potvin was a mild-mannered kid who, as far as we know, never spoke. When Hextall made his mad dash down the ice, every single Leaf fan was convinced that Potvin was about to die.

And then...

By the way, 1:35 might be my favorite Tie Domi moments of all-time.

Side note: If you're a Leafs fan and you want to feel the urge to slam your head through a windshield, watch this version of the same fight as called by the Flyers play-by-play team who are convinced Hextall has won handily even as he's squirting blood all over the first three rows.

And that brings us to the top spot on our list.

1. Tie Domi vs. Chris Neil

This may seem like a surprising choice, but when you factor in the circumstances I think you'll have to agree that it's deserving of ...

Oh, who am I kidding ...

1. Wendel Clark vs. Marty McSorley

Regular readers will know this was coming. I love this fight so much that I've not only written about it in detail, but I've also written about everything that happened right after it.

I don't have much to add, so I'll just say that if I ever have a son I'm going to name him That-Time-Wendel-Clark-Fought-Marty-McSorley Goes Brown.

That wraps up the list. Join me next week, when I'll be presenting a new list: The Top 100 Fights of the Maple Leafs 2009-10 Pre-Season. (Note: this one may be posted late, it will take some time to narrow it down.)

Honorable Mentions

• Tie Domi vs. Magnus Arverdson
  
• Craig Berube vs. Basil McRae
  
• Ken Baumgartner vs. Cam Russell
  
• Darcy Tucker and Cam Janssen's helmet vs. Cam Janssen
  
• Todd Gill vs Joel Otto
  
• Todd Gill vs Robert Dirk
  
• Wendel Clark vs. Mark Tinordi
  
• Craig Berube vs. Gary Roberts
  
• The Toronto Maple Leafs vs. Stu Grimson's dignity
  
• Sean Burke vs. Mark LaForest
  
• Gary Leeman vs. Denis Savard
  
• Luke Schenn vs. Tyler Kennedy
  
• Tie Domi vs. Cam Russell (lifetime achievement award)
  
• Tie Domi vs. Rob Ray (lifetime achievement award)
  
• Leafs vs. Flames
  
• Wendel Clark vs. Kevin Maguire
  
• Ron Wilson vs. Howard Berger

The story behind the Wendel Clark/Kevin Maguire fight in practice

We recently named Kevin Maguire our worst Leaf goon of all-time, based largely on his inexplicable decision to fight Wendel Clark during a practice.

What was he thinking? Why would you ever want to fight Clark if he was your teammate? Did Clark hit him so hard that he suffered retroactive brain damage to 30 seconds before?

Well, thanks to a wonderful thread over at Rough House Hockey of old Wendel Clark newspaper articles, now we know the background.

Push comes to punch for the Leafs tough-guy; Clark has first 'battle' of training camp

Rick Matsumoto Toronto Star. Toronto Star. Toronto, Ont.: Sep 16, 1986.

The hockey season officially got under way yesterday for Wendel Clark.

He got into his first punch-up of the season and, as has come to be expected in National Hockey League circles, he scored a decisive victory.

The Toronto Maple Leafs' prize rookie of last season accepted a challenge from another tough, young competitor, Kevin Maguire, and left the right winger, who spent the past two seasons with St. Catharines Saints, with a dandy black eye, a cut on the bridge of his nose and a severely-bruised ego.

He also left several ounces of blood on his sweater, as well as that of defenceman Bob McGill, who stepped in to break up the combatants.

The two clashed during the afternoon scrimmage at the Gardens. Clark took Maguire, who earned 273 penalty minutes in two seasons with the Saints, into the boards at Maguire's end of the ice. They exchanged shoves and glares as they shadowed each other back to Clark's end of the ice.

Suddenly, push turned to shove and the gloves came off. But, as many others found out the hard way last year, Maguire failed to get in the first punch.

Clark landed a haymaker flush on Maguire's right eye and, for all intents and purposes, the fight was over. Clark rained several more blows on Maguire's face and helmeted head and the latter swung back gamely, but the judges scored it a TKO for the Kelvington Crusher.

"That first one was the hardest punch I've ever been hit with," Maguire admitted later. "That was it. It was no contest after that. By the time I got my balance it was done."

Maguire, however, wasn't done. After being patched up, Maguire pulled on a clean jersey, returned to the scrimmage and immediately went after Clark.

"You don't let anyone get three or four clean shots at you and not want to even the score," said Maguire. "I was a bit off balance the first time. I'd have liked to have squared off with him, again, toe-to-toe."

However, Clark, who was nursing sore knuckles on his right hand, refused to drop his gloves the second time.

"I don't need to fight you, again," he could be heard shouting at Maguire as teammates interceded.

For the next few shifts the two combatants were prevented from being on the ice at the same time. Eventually, however, they found themselves face-to-face, again.

This time, the incident turned slightly ugly as Clark slapped at Maguire's menacingly raised stick with his own and Maguire reacted by jabbing Clark in the chest with his stick.

That's when Russ Courtnall jumped into the fray, put a head-lock on Maguire and wrestled him to the ice.

"First of all, Wendel had beaten him cleanly the first time, so there was no need to fight again," said Courtnall. "When you see guys with their sticks in the air you get a little scared. We can't afford to lose Clarkie to a stick."

Clark, who has shown he can play hockey as well as fight, shrugged off the incident as a natural occurrence in the annual battle to gain a big-league job.

The 19-year-old left winger, who scored 34 goals as a rookie, said he's not interested in prolonging the incident. That is, of course, unless Maguire renews hostilities the next time they meet on the ice.

"It's up to him," said Clark. "If he feels he has to do that to make the club, that's fine. I don't hold that against him. But if he takes a poke at me he's going to get poked back."

Maguire also emphasized that there were no personal feelings involved in the pugilistic exhibition.

"There was no intent behind the fight," he said. "It was just the way it happened. I'm not going to try to carve his eyes out or anything. His job is secure. Mine isn't. I've got to make my way onto the team. I've got to do what I can to do that."

While the combatants might not harbor deep animosity towards each another - and could possibly even become good friends if Maguire managed to make the Leafs - one thing is certain: They didn't go out to dinner together last night.

So on the one hand, now we know that the fight happened in Maguire's first stint with the Leafs, when he was a rookie trying to make a name for himself. That makes it a lot easier to understand.

On the other hand, we also know that:

• Maguire got all his blood punched out
  
• He actually returned to the ice and tried to fight Clark again, which has to be about the dumbest thing I've ever heard
  
• He got taken down to the ice by Russ Courtnall.

So I'm going to go ahead and say that Maguire retains his crown as Worst Leaf Goon.

Now head over to the Rough House Hockey thread and start reading. Trust me, it's a goldmine for Clark fans.

I'm still reeling from finding out that Clark and Joey Kocur weren't really cousins.

Burke's first task: Find an enforcer

OK, enough is enough. The Leafs need an enforcer, or somebody's going to get hurt out there.

Another game, another two huge hits on unsuspecting Leafs. There's no doubt that the Leafs lead the league in being on receiving end of highlight reel hits.

Last year I called the Leafs the softest team in the NHL. The additions of Jamal Mayers and Ryan Hollweg was supposed to fix that, but haven't. Mayers did a nice job tonight against Garnet Exelby, but he's no heavyweight. Hollweg is just awful.

Let's be clear: the Leafs aren't soft the way last year's team was. This year's squad plays a tougher style, doesn't shy away from physical play, and has shown admirably eagerness to stick up for one another.

And that's the problem. They're almost too fearless. They play with guts, and those guts are going to wind up smeared across the ice pretty soon.

So far we've seen Matt Stajan, Jason Blake, and Mikhail Grabovski each get crushed on multiple occasions. Mike Van Ryn got run through the glass by the Bruins before being run through the end boards by the Habs. Luke Schenn almost had his leg broken on a cowardly trip on an icing call.

And guys like Schenn, Alex Ponikarovsky and Carlo Colaiacovo (RIP) have each dropped the gloves more than once to stick up for a teammate. That's admirable, but none of those guys should be fighting.

The Leafs are a team full of small guys who play like they're big. They're willing to skate into a high traffic area. They're will to take a hit to make a play.

That's great. They have big hearts. But they don't have big bodies, and pretty soon simple physics will catch up to them.

Not every team in the NHL has a heavyweight. In fact, some very good ones (like Detroit) don't dress one. That's fine. Not every team needs a tough guy.

But this team does. Mayers and Hollweg don't scare anybody. When the Bruins were brutalizing the Leafs with clean hits, do you think Milan Lucic was worried about anyone looking for payback? When the Habs were brutalizing the Leafs with dirty hits, do you think George Laraque bothered to look over his shoulder?

Right now, if you're a physical player the Leafs are a fun team to play against. There's an excellent chance that some speedy midget will cut across the trolley tracks with his head down, just begging to get knocked out. And if somebody does come after you, there's a good chance you'll have an easy time padding your won/loss record.

Here's hoping Burke has seen enough. Let's find a legitimate tough guy -- a top ten or twenty heavyweight. Preferably somebody who can play a little bit, but I'm not too picky. As long as they're big, can throw, and have just enough crazy in them to do some damage.

The next time some highly skilled Leaf (or Jason Blake) decides to admire his pass, let's make sure the guy closing in on him has something to think about besides "Hey, I'm going to be on Sportscenter tonight!"

Top 17 Wendel Clark Moments - The Full List

This list was a lot of fun to put together. Thanks again to everyone who participated in the comments (120+ and counting), and for the various kind words there and elsewhere. It's good to know that there are still plenty of Leaf fans who remember the old days (and don't mind talking about them in ridiculous detail).

And for those new readers who found us through various links this week, welcome to the site. I hope you stick around. Don't forget to bookmark us or subscribe to the RSS feed.

Here's the final list:

#17 - Draft Day
#16 - Clark vs. Peluso
#15 - Belfour's five-hole
#14 - Clark vs. Marchment
#13 - The "All Heart" Video
#12 - Clark vs. Cujo
#11 - Clark vs. Neely
#10 - Debut as Captain
#9 - Clark vs. Chelios
#8 - Clark vs. Mackey (and others)
#7 - Clark vs. Fetisov
#6 - The Final Ovation
#5 - Clark vs. Probert
#4 - Welcome Home
#3 - Bruce Bell
#2 - Game Six
#1 - Clark vs. McSorley

And some honorable mentions I couldn't find room for, in no particular order:

• The back-to-back hat tricks in 1994.
  
• Clark singlehandedly wins gold for Canada at the WJC
  
• Clark vs Behn Wilson
  
• "Wendel Clark Appreciation Day" at Mel Lastman square (Aug. 23, 1994 -- proud to say I was there.)
  
• Clark's final goal, the clincher to win the first Ottawa series (I was there for that one too)
  
• Clark touches off the Flyers brawl that lead to Potvin/Hextall
  
• The hit that destroyed a North Stars goalie behind the net (anyone remember who?)
  
• The hit on Probert in the 1993 playoffs
  
• The hit along the boards that turned around the Sharks series
  
• Clark vs. MacTavish
  
• The "good book, eh" commercial
  
• Two goals in a game seven win against the Blues
  
• Two goals in a game seven win against the Kings
  
• Two goals in a game seven win against the Sharks
  
• ... and many more I'm sure I'll think of later.

Now it's your turn. What did I miss? What did I get wrong? What moment should have been higher?

Wendel Moment #5 - Clark vs. Probert

On November 22, Wendel Clark's #17 will be raised to the rafters as the team honours its former captain and arguably the most popular player in franchise history.

In the lead up to that night, Down Goes Brown will feature a countdown of Wendel's Top 17 Greatest Moments.

In the early 90s, Bob Probert was the NHL's bad boy. Generally regarded as the undisputed heavyweight champion, the Red Wings enforcer made headlines for his battles on and off the ice. When he wasn't handing out brutal beatings to unfortunate opponents, he was waging a losing struggle with drugs, alcohol and the law.

In the spring of 1989, Probert was arrested on drug charges and ordered deported from the United States. As a result, he could no longer travel to Canada because leaving the U.S. would mean being denied entry on his return. So for almost four years, Probert remained in the States, playing only in American cities and staying home whenever the Wings traveled to Canada.

Then came news on December 8, 1992 that Probert had been cleared for travel. As luck would have it, the Wings were scheduled to play in Toronto the next night. The reinstatement was major news, getting front page coverage in Canadian newspapers and adding an unmistakable element of drama to the game. Suddenly, a decent mid-season game had become the focus of the entire hockey world.

Bob Probert, the NHL's heavyweight champion, was returning to his native Canada after four years in exile. It was a Hallmark moment, an epic feel-good story of perseverance and redemption.

Unfortunately, Wendel Clark didn't get the script, and he decided to welcome Probert back to Canada in his own special way.

This wasn't the typical Wendel Clark fight that ends with Clark in the penalty box and the other guy in a pine crate. Probert took his shots and stayed on his feet, which is more than most Wendel opponents would be able to say. If, you know, you unwired their jaw long enough for them to talk.

No, this was just Wendel Clark sending a simple message to Probert: You might be the heavyweight champ in every other arena. Just not in The Gardens. Not in my house.

Wendel Moment #7 - How do you say "knockout" in Russian?

On November 22, Wendel Clark's #17 will be raised to the rafters as the team honours its former captain and arguably the most popular player in franchise history.

In the lead up to that night, Down Goes Brown will feature a countdown of Wendel's Top 17 Greatest Moments.

Remember Moment #14, when Wendel Clark decided to send a little payback Bryan Marchment's way?

What did we learn that day, children?

1. Do no try to cheapshot Wendel Clark
   
2. DO NOT TRY TO CHEAPSHOT WENDEL CLARK!
   
3. If you decide to ignore rules #1&2, at least make sure you get the job done
   
4. Do not skate up to Wendel Clark like you want to fight, because he wants to fight too and he's better at it than you are
   
5. If Wendel Clark rams both gloves and his stick down your throat, curl up in a ball on the ice and stay there. Forever.

Marchment, as big a dummy as he was, at least managed to get #5 right. Slava Fetisov wasn't so lucky.

Clark and Fetisov had a history going back to a game at the Gardens that included the infamous Burke/Laforest fight. Not surprisngly, Clark got the better of that exchange, but out of respect for the unstable international dynamics of the day he was kind enough to let Fetisov live.

This is the part where a normal man would give thanks for the act of mercy, then skate away and never be seen again. Not Fetisov.

No, instead he decided it would be a good idea to even the score in a game in New Jersey. Fetisov, widely considered one of the dirtiest players in hockey at the time, went after Clark's leg on one of the more blatant attempted hits in recent memory, practically diving into Clark's knee as he cut across the ice. Clark barely managed to leap out of the way of a potentially career-ending cheapshot. (Update: as 1967ers and Dan point out in the comments, Fetisov did get a piece of Clark's knee, putting him on the shelf for several weeks.)

Now if you had just tried to cripple Wendel Clark and failed, what is the last thing you would do? If you said "skate up to him like you wanted to fight", you would be correct.

Q: What was going through Fetisov's head on this play?
A: Wendel Clark's fist

Four things about this clip:

• Listen to the Devils announcers describe Fetisov's attempted knee-on-knee as a great hit during the replay at 1:00, even though Fetisov is literally sliding on his belly during his follow-through. These guys make the North Stars announcers from the David Mackey fight sound objective.
  
  
• I love the way Clark KO's Fetisov with one punch, then casually looks around as if to say "OK, who's next?" He's not even remotely worried.
  
  
• Fetisov's half-hearted attempt to get back into the fray is funny enough, but watch how passionately the linesman is talking to him. He looks like a harried suicide negotiator pleading with a guy on a window ledge.
  
  
• Finally, in one of the great "hold me back" moments in NHL history, watch as two Devils players skate in, realize it's Wendel Clark, and then grab each other instead. This kills me. They literally grab onto each other and hope that nobody will notice and Wendel will leave them alone. I could watch that a hundred times and still find it funny.
  

Wendel Moment #11 - Clark vs. Neely

On November 22, Wendel Clark's #17 will be raised to the rafters as the team honours its former captain and arguably the most popular player in franchise history.

In the lead up to that night, Down Goes Brown will feature a countdown of Wendel's Top 17 Greatest Moments.

When I was a kid growing up, there were three hypothetical fights that everyone debated endlessly even though we knew they could never actually happen:

• Batman vs. Superman
  
• Ric Flair vs. Hulk Hogan
  
• Wendel Clark vs. Cam Neely

Remember a few months ago when they turned on the Large Hadron Collider and some people were genuinely worried that it could cause the universe to implode onto itself? That's what people thought might happen if Clark and Neely ever fought.

Cam Neely, of course, was a monster badass. He spent most of his career throwing crushing bodychecks, scoring whenever he wanted to, and destroying anyone foolish enough to drop the gloves with him. He was completely unstoppable.

In short, he was a poor man's Wendel Clark.

If Clark and Neely ever did meet, the theory went, the resulting fight would include so much pent-up awesomeness that it would blind anyone who looked directly at it, kill anyone on the ice at the time, and probably last until the earth was swallowed by the sun.

Or, you know, it could be a two punch fight that ended with Neely turtling for the first and only time in his career. One or the other.

Wendel Clark just kicked your ass, Seabass!

Wendel Moment #14 - Life (and Near-Death) of Bryan

On November 22, Wendel Clark's #17 will be raised to the rafters as the team honours its former captain and arguably the most popular player in franchise history.

In the lead up to that night, Down Goes Brown will feature a countdown of Wendel's Top 17 Greatest Moments.

Let's cut right to the point: in the early 90's, Bryan Marchment was a punk who needed a good ass-kicking.

He was notorious for his cheap shots, especially his patented knee-on-knee hits that would put guys on the shelf for months. Short of Ulf Samuelsson, he was probably the biggest prick in the NHL. To make matters worse, in 1991 Marchment started wearing a full facemask to protect a broken jaw. Of course, he kept running guys.

Well, one night Wendel decided he had seen enough. After Wendel took an innocent poke at Steve Larmer, Marchment figured he'd glide in for a cheapshot.

Bad idea.

Remember that line from The Usual Suspects: "How do you shoot the devil in the back? What if you miss?" Well, here's the NHL version: "How do you cheapshot Wendel Clark? What if he sees you coming?"

Wendel saw Marchment coming, decided he looked undernourished, and fed him both fists and half his hockey stick.

The fun wasn't over yet. As players piled on and Marchment headed for the hills, Steve Smith wound up tangled up with Wendel. The Leafs captain gave Smith a dirty look, which caused his face to explode.

A few other things to watch for in this video:

• A classic early example of Jim Hughson's fake "oh, the horror!" routine that he now does during every hockey fight, at 4:30.
  
  
• Doug Gilmour, playing one of his first games as a Leaf, taking down Grimson with an open-ice tackle at 4:03.
  
  
• The organist breaking into the theme song from "Dallas" for reasons that I'm sure made sense to him at the time.
  
  
• Grimson doing the all-time greatest "hold me back while I pretend to want to fight" routine, essentially skating all over the ice trying to get Wendel, who just stands there watching him. Interesting side note: in some states, trying to chase down Wendel Clark for a fight is legally considered a suicide attempt.
  
  
• A Bob Halkidis sighting!
  
  
• Keith Brown playing tough guy on the bench. Hey Keith, Mike Peluso wants to know where all that toughness was last time?

This incident lead to the NHL forcing all teams to post a warning in their dressing room: Do not cheapshot Wendel Clark, because he will hunt you down and kill you.

Unfortunately, as we'll see later on this list, they forgot to have that translated into Russian.

Wendel Moment #16 - Clark vs Peluso

On November 22, Wendel Clark's #17 will be raised to the rafters as the team honours its former captain and arguably the most popular player in franchise history.

In the lead up to that night, Down Goes Brown will feature a countdown of Wendel's Top 17 Greatest Moments.

Obviously any list of Wendel Clark highlights is going to include a scrap or two. For Moment #16, let's go with a Norris Division bout that serves as a good summary of Wendel's work in this area.

Here's Clark vs Hawks heavyweight Mike Peluso at the Gardens, from October 20, 1990.



A few things I enjoy about this fight:

• Peluso is already flat on his back by the time they can even get the camera switched over to it. This happened in at least 50% of Wendel Clark fights.
  
  
• Listen to how loud the Gardens gets when Wendel drops the gloves. Keep in mind, this isn't a playoff game -- it's October. What would need to happen these days for the ACC to get that loud during an early season game? An announcement of free shrimp cocktails for the 100-level? Howard Berger falling headfirst out of the pressbox? Jason Blake back-checking? God I miss the Gardens.
  
  
• After KOing him with one punch, Clark falls on top of Peluso and continues to pummell him. And yet two Blackhawk teammates are standing a few feet away and don't make a move to help. (You can see this especially well on the replay after the 1:00 mark.)
  
  One of them at least manages to do a semi-convincing job of pretending to be engaged with a linesman, while the other (wearing #4, which I think would be Keith Brown) just flat-out decides not to get involved. You can almost hear them muttering "Well, better him than me, we'll send his widow a canned ham".

The lesson, as always: Do not try to fight Wendel Clark.

Sadly, Peluso's heroic attempt to serve as a cautionary example to other NHL players failed... as we'll see several times as we count down our list.

How to fight when you don't want to fight

By now you've seen the bizarre footage of Patrick Roy's son "fighting" an opponent over the weekend. Jonathan Roy has been suspended seven games for his actions during the brawl, which saw him charge the length of the ice to decimate opposing goaltender Bobby Nadeau, who clearly wanted no part of the scrap.

Now clearly there is a time and place for walking away from a fight. In fact, it's generally a very good idea, especially if you have reason to believe you're going to lose. But even from a pacifist's point of view, Nadeau's performance was pathetic -- he made virtually no effort to defend himself, and wound up curled on the ice like a wounded puppy.

What's a self-respecting man supposed to do in this situation? It's hard to say. So as a public service, I've gone over various scenarios to come up with a list of possible responses. In order, from best-case to worst, here's a list of nine options to consider if you ever find yourself in Nadeau's position .

Best case scenario: Clearly communicate that you are a pacifist and would prefer a non-violent solution. If forced to fight, beat opponent to bloody pulp. Calmly leave like it was no big deal.

Examples: Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall. Youngblood vs. Racki. Nolan Ryan vs. Robin Ventura. Mr. Miyagi vs. the guys dressed up as skeletons


If you can't do that, then: Accept invitation to fight despite overwhelming odds. Fight valiantly, eventually losing but sending the clear message that you won't be intimidated, thus winning a moral victory.

Examples: Spartans vs. Persians. Martin Biron vs. Ray Emery. Craig Coxe vs. Bob Probert. Zack Morris vs. A.C. Slater.


If you can't do that, then: Throw early sucker punch. Assume fighting stance a few feet from opponent. If opponent attempts to advance, slowly back away. Wave away anyone who tries to intervene. Continue backing away while looking like you really want to fight. Hope opponent will die of old age and/or Dave Manson will eventually save you.

Examples: Denis Savard vs. Gary Leeman. Every NBA fight ever.


If you can't do that, then: Try to look as tough as possible immediately before the fight. Once fight begins, throw a few punches early. Realize you are going to die. Make peace with your god.

Examples: Pretty much everyone who ever tried to fight Wendel Clark.


If you can't do that, then: Stand frozen like a deer caught in headlights. Once touched, immediately curl up into a ball on the floor. Make no attempt to fight back. Whimper girlishly. Watch highlights of self on youtube for rest of eternity.

Example: Bobby Nadeau vs. Jonathan Roy. Chris Neil vs. Chris Dingman. Me, if anyone I make fun of on this blog ever confronts me about it.


If you can't do that, then: Relax all muscles. Go completely limp. Cling to larger opponent. Cry loudly. Poop a little bit.

Examples: Roy vs. Montecore. Bryan McCabe vs. Zdeno Chara. My one-year-old daughter vs. the word "no".


If you can't do that, then: Run screaming to nearest exit. If no exit found, just flee in circles in hopes opponent will lose interest. Flail hands above head (optional).

Examples: The Owen Sound Platters vs. Jeff Kugel. Kazuhiko Daimon vs. Rod Allen.


If you can't do that, then: Defecate on ice. Fling poo at enemies to keep them away from you.

Examples: The monkey from Most Valuable Primate (director's cut edition only). Most Sean Avery fights.


If you can't do that, then: Stand still. Slump shoulders. Begin to cry.

Example: Oliver McCall vs. Lennox Lewis. Me vs. realization I am a Leafs fan.

I think that covers it. Did I miss any?