How to present the Stanley Cup

Worst karaoke party ever.

Monday morning, TD Garden, Boston.

OK people, can I have your attention? Everyone listen up. You too, Mr. Bettman. This is important.

As you know, tonight's game marks the first time in this year's finals that a team is one win away from taking the series. That means that the Stanley Cup will be in the building, and there's a chance it will be awarded after the game. It's a big moment, and we all need to be on the same page, so let's go over the game plan.

When the series ends, it's going to be chaos. Fans screaming, players hugging, linesmen stealing pucks. Everyone stay professional. And please, make sure the game is really done before you let all the media storm onto the ice. Neither of these teams is the Buffalo Sabres, so it's important to make sure the series is actually over. And remember, if there's a particularly controversial play, give the officials time to consult with Brian Burke.

OK, once the game is done then the first order of business is the handshakes. They usually go pretty quickly, but this year we've booked an extra fifteen minutes into the schedule for all the finger taunts and guys diving as soon as an opponent touches them. Plus, it will probably take at least that much time to have Maxim Lapierre's gloves surgically removed. Everyone be patient.

Once the handshakes are done the Cup will be brought out by the two guys who carry it everywhere, the guy who's never in any commercials and the guy who's in every commercial. Are they here? Great. You two will bring it out from the back hallway where it's been during the third period, being shown on television every fifteen seconds. Set it up on the little pedestal at center ice, and then go back to doing whatever it is you do the other 364 days of the year.

OK Gary, once the Cup is out on the ice that's your cue to make your way over. Let's walk through it right now. Great, great, you're here, one hand awkwardly on the Cup, ready to go. Pause for booing. Booing. More booing. Still booing. Hey, have you ever considered letting someone else handle this? It's just that the fans all really seem like they'd prefer it if … you know what, you're the boss, I'm not here to tell you how to do your job.

So anyways… booing. More booing. Now Gary, while all this is going on, you're going to want to be wearing the proper facial expression. I'd recommend a smirky mixture of glib condescension and bemused annoyance. Do you think you could… hey, wow, that's really good. Have you been practicing?

Really? Permanent, you say? As in 24-hours-a-day? Hmm. Wow. OK, well, it's perfect, so don't change a thing.

So now some of the fans have given up on booing and are starting to hiss. That's a good time to start the presentation, so you're going to need to call over the captain of the winning team. Hold on, not yet. Wait until he's just started his interview with Hockey Night in Canada. And… now!

OK Gary, remember, this guy has literally spent the majority of his life focused on getting his hands on the Stanley Cup. He's bled for it, sacrificed, missed his children's birthdays, all for this one exact moment. So before you hand it over to him, make sure you force him to pose for photographs with you. He won't mind at all. That's right, be sure to hold the pose just long enough for it to feel awkward. Fantastic.

OK, now the winning team is going to pass the Cup around. There's an established order here, so let's make sure they follow it. First, the captain. Second, the captain's twin brother, if applicable. Next, the sympathetic old guy on the team who's never won the Cup before. Next, any players who they feel have been unfairly singled out for criticism by fans and media. In the case of the Canucks or Bruins, this should take care of the rest of the roster.

Now listen up everyone, because once the players have the Stanley Cup we all have our most important job of the evening: We get out of the way. The NHL does a lot of things wrong, but this is the one moment we get exactly right. No owners grabbing the trophy. No corporate shills. No television personalities screaming into a microphone. Just twenty or so players who've endured two months of hell, together, for this chance to share the Cup. They've earned this. It's their moment. Let's all just stand back and absorb the positive energy.

Well, all of us except for Gary. The fans are still booing him. Great smirk, though.

The other former star players interviewed for Colin Campbell's job

My very own copy of the flowchart? Awesome!

The NHL surprised fans on Wednesday when they announced that controversial disciplinarian Colin Campbell would resign his post and be replaced by Brendan Shanahan.

Shanahan is a natural choice for the job, but sources tell me he wasn't the only candidate. It turns out that several other star players from Shanahan's era were interviewed, and I've managed to obtain a top secret transcript of the proceedings.

Scene: Gary Bettman's office.

Gary Bettman: Well Brendan, that wraps up the interview. And I think Colin and I can agree that you completely nailed it.

Brendan Shanahan: Hey, thanks guys.

Colin Campbell: You're a perfect fit for this job. But before we can make it official, we do have some other candidates to interview.

Bettman: Yeah, you know how it is. We need to make sure everyone gets a chance to speak with us. After all, you're not the only former NHL star who might be interested in the job.

Shanahan: Oh. OK, I guess that makes sense.

Bettman: Great, thanks for understanding. (Into phone intercom): Send in Jeremy Roenick.

Female voice on intercom: Right away, sir.

Read the rest of this post...

A hockey fan's guide to the UFC

At least somebody in that jersey is
putting up a fight these days.

The NHL playoffs won't have a monopoly on Canadian sports headlines this week, thanks to the UFC's long-awaited debut in Toronto with a Saturday night card that's expected to draw a record crowd of 55,000.

Many hockey fans have been looking forward to the event for months. But for others, this week's hype will serve as an introduction to the entertaining but often confusing world of mixed martial arts and the UFC. So in an effort to make the event as accessible as possible to Canadian sports fans, here's a hockey fan's guide to how the UFC stacks up with the NHL.

UFC: There is a common misconception that the sport is a vicious free-for-all where anything goes no matter how brutal, when in fact it is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.
NHL: There is a common misconception that the sport is governed by a clear set of strictly enforced rules.

UFC: A fighter signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by "tapping out".
NHL: A player signals that he has lost his will to win and no longer wishes to compete by signing a contract extension with the Ottawa Senators.

UFC: "The World's Most Dangerous Man" was the nickname of UFC Hall of Famer Ken Shamrock.
NHL: "The World's Most Dangerous Man" is what Flyer fans call whoever is starting in net for that night's playoff game.

UFC: The action takes place inside a caged structure called an octagon, which many critics have called the most dangerous structure in all of sports.
NHL: The action takes place inside a rink which has been carefully designed to ensure the safety of all oh good god look out for that stanchion!

UFC: "Ground and pound" is a fighting style that aims to take an opponent to the mat and then employ a striking attack from a dominant position.
NHL: "Ground and pound" is Bruce Boudreau's answer to the question "What is your favourite type of beef, and how much of it have you smuggled into the arena tonight in your pockets?"

UFC: If a match does not end in regulation time, it goes to the judges' decision; in especially even and hard-fought contests, the contest can be declared a draw.
NHL: The league knows that real sports fans don't enjoy ties, and would be much happier if the UFC moved to deciding matches with a rock-paper-scissors contest.

UFC: If a girl in a bikini holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that the first round of a fight is about to begin.
NHL: If a guy in a Bruins jersey holds up the number one to the crowd, it signifies that his glove got stuck. Why, what did you think it meant?

UFC: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: "Let's get it on!"
NHL: Competitors know that it's time to start throwing punches when they hear those four words: "Hello, I'm Matt Cooke."

UFC: Fans are encouraged to watch "The Ultimate Fighter", a made-for-TV production that is occasionally entertaining despite the results holding little actual importance.
NHL: Same concept, but they call it "the regular season".

UFC: Canadian star Georges St-Pierre employs a methodical style that is highly effective but is often criticized for not producing exciting or dramatic moments.
NHL: Georges St-Pierre has been offered the head coaching job in New Jersey.

UFC: Popular commentator Joe Rogan is also one of his country's best-known standup comedians.
NHL: Popular commentator Don Cherry is also one of his country's best-known standup comedians, although he doesn't seem to realize it.

UFC: A hyper-extended elbow and broken arm can be the result of a competitor not tapping out quickly after the successful application of an armbar.
NHL: A hyper-extended elbow and broken arm is an acceptable reason to miss one or two shifts during the playoffs while the trainer tapes it up.

UFC: A "choke" is a legal manoeuvre in which a competitor cuts off his opponent's air supply in order to secure a quick submission.
NHL: Insert your own Vancouver Canuck joke here.

UFC: Occasionally schedules events in Toronto in late-April.
NHL: Not that anyone can remember.

The official map of an NHL rink

NHL fans learned something new this week when Colin Campbell revealed the existence of a "hitting zone" behind the net where, apparently, headshots are legal.

This got me to wondering: what else don't we know about the NHL rink? So I dug into my old cartography library, and came up with this original map that lays it all out:

Download this

It all makes sense now...

What an official NHL trade call sounds like

"Dean, we must have a bad connection,
every time I mention Brayden Schenn
I get discon... hello?"

It's been a busy lead up to the deadline for NHL general managers, who've already pulled off over a dozen trades including several blockbusters. Just as busy were the members of the hockey media who raced to break the news of each transaction as quickly as possible, often before a deal was officially done.

Fans may have noticed that these reports often allude to a deal being complete "pending a trade call with the league". The phrase brings to mind an intense conference call in which league officials grill the participants before grudgingly approving a deal.

But as it turns out, a trade call is simply a formality. And just like every other phone call you try to make these days, the entire thing is handled through an automated system.

Thanks to league sources, I got my hands on the top secret number and gave it a call. Here's a transcript of what I heard.

***

Thank you for calling the National Hockey League. For service in English, press 1. For service in French, press 2. For service in whatever language it is that Don Cherry is speaking, press 3.

You have selected English. Please listen carefully, as our menu options have recently changed.

If you are a GM calling to complain about a penalty, press 1.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a suspension, press 2.
If you are a GM calling to complain about a goal review, press 3.
If you are a GM calling to complain about having nothing to complain about, press 4.
If you are on owner calling to report that you have recently gone bankrupt, press 5.
If you are calling about a trade, press 6.

You have pressed 6. You will now be connected to the NHL trade hotline. At any time, you may press 0 to speak to Darren Dreger.

If you are calling to complain about a trade your son's team just made, press 1.
If you just realized you've accidentally traded for a good starting goaltender when you're trying to tank for the first overall pick and would like a mulligan, press 2.
If you are calling to report a completely fictional "rumour" in a desperate attempt to trick stupid people into visiting your terrible web site, press e5.
If you are calling to report a completed trade, press 9.

You have chosen to report a completed trade. Please note that we are currently experiencing higher than normal call volumes. If you are trading away a draft pick, please enter the round number now.

You have chosen to trade a first round draft pick. Is this pick lottery-protected in case you finish last? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Um, do you think that maybe you should rethink that? Press 1 for yes or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Look, Brian, we've talked about this, wouldn't it make sense to at least ask if…

You have angrily mashed 2 for no.

Does your trade involve a player? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 1 for yes. Please note that due to high demand, we have set up a dedicated hotline for teams trading away Ian White. Please call 1-800-IAN-B-GON for assistance. Operators are standing by 24 hours a day.

Please enter the line that the player plays on, and then his salary followed by the pound key.

You have indicated that you are trading for a third-liner who makes $5 million. Are you drunk? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have pressed 2 for no. Please indicate why you are making this clearly terrible trade.

If you are trying to satisfy your idiot owner, press 1.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot fans, press 2.
If you are trying to satisfy your idiot media, press 3.
If you stopped caring once it became apparent that you're being fired at the end of the season and figure all of this will be the new guy's problem, press 4.
For all of the above, press 5.

You have pressed 5. Your trade is ready for processing. In a few moments it will be finalized, and you may inform the players and announce the deal publicly.

One last thing: Did you remember to check and see if the player has a no-trade clause? Press 1 for yes, or 2 for no.

You have drop-kicked your phone out an open window. Thank you for calling the NHL trading hotline. Good bye.

A brief history of hockey brawls

This camera must have had
a hell of a shutter speed.

Seen any good fights lately?

Probably. In recent weeks we've watched Brent Johnson knockout fellow goaltender Rick DiPietro with a single punch. Boston and Dallas started a game with three separate fights in four seconds. Then the Bruins and Canadiens brawled, including another goalie scrap. And then the biggest explosion of all, at least so far, as the Islanders and Penguins rematch resulted in 346 penalty minutes, 23 games worth of suspensions, several injuries and a fine to the Islanders' organization.

So let the hand-wringing begin. But the league and its fans has been down this road before. And in fact, this latest round of incidents is only the latest in a long history of fights, brawls and general mayhem.

So join me in a nostalgic look back at some other well-known hockey brawls. You know, or else I'll punch you in the head.

March 5, 2004 - The Senators and Flyers combine for a league record 419 PIM after a series of fights are touched off by an argument over which franchise will destroy the careers of the most goaltenders during the rest of the decade.

October 2, 2008 - After the fifth different altercation to feature a player viciously attacking Sean Avery, the Dallas Stars coaching staff decides to just cancel rest of the practice and try again tomorrow.

April 20, 1984 - The Canadiens and Nordiques combine for over 250 penalty minutes and 10 ejections in a game that comes to be known as "la bataille du Vendredi saint" or, in English, "pretty standard for a game between Quebec and Montreal".

March 4, 2003 - An enraged Darcy Tucker dives into the Ottawa bench and remains there for several seconds, inadvertently becoming the third longest serving coach in Senators' history.

1982 to 1993, inclusive - In an extended incident that most hockey historians will later describe as "maybe a bit excessive", every single player in the Norris Division is involved in a spirited fight with every single other player at all times for twelve straight years, with the exception of Steve Yzerman.

March 15, 2006 - Chris Pronger is ejected from the game after a rampage that leaves seven players facing career-threatening injuries, which is unfortunate since it was a spring-training game between the Baltimore Orioles and Kansas City Royals.

October 4, 2007 - A rare goalie fight during an intrasquad scrimmage leaves Andrew Raycroft and Vesa Toskala facing significant injuries and lengthy suspensions, every Leaf fan really wishes in hindsight.

February 18, 1992 - Towards the end of a wild bench-clearing brawl involving such enforcers as Rob Ray, Brad May, Gord Donnelly, Jay Wells and Brad Miller, the Buffalo Sabres sheepishly begin to realize that the Hartford Whalers left two hours ago and they've all just been fighting each other.

December 23, 1979 - Mike Milbury climbs into the stands and beats a fan with his own shoe, in what everyone now agrees is probably the fifteenth or sixteenth dumbest thing he's ever done.

January 4, 1987 - Canada and Russia are disqualified from the World Junior tournament after a massive brawl that will be unanimously criticized by the media as "outrageous" and "shameful" and "totally going to screw up the 'you never see any brawls in international hockey' argument we make in all our anti-fighting columns".

May 11, 1989 - After an increasingly out-of-control Ron Hextall viciously attacks Chris Chelios in the dying moments of the Wales Conference Finals, concerned government authorities finally agree to green-light the top secret cyborg assassin program that will eventually lead to the creation of Felix Potvin.

November 7, 1998 - Red Wings and Avalanche players immediately engage in five separate and bloody fights as soon as the puck hits the ice, which really scares the crap out of the disabled child doing the ceremonial puck drop.

How to never say anything interesting: An NHLer's guide

Shhh... You had me at "flurry of
roundhouse punches to the face"

If you're a National Hockey League personality, odds are you spend much of your day with a microphone in your face and somebody asking you a question. Many newcomers make the mistake of interpreting this as an invitation to share their honest thoughts and opinions.

It's not. In fact, there are only a few dozen acceptable answers to any hockey-related question, and you'll be expected to simply choose the right one and recite it verbatim. Sure, some will accuse you of speaking in clichés, but it's better than the alternative: revealing yourself to have an actual personality, and being torn to shreds for it.

So for those of you who may be new to life in the NHL, here's a quick guide to the sort of things that are acceptable to say, and what you should make sure you avoid.

If you want to say: "Wow, a player on our team just committed a sickening act of violence for which he will surely be suspended."
Instead say: "I can't comment on that, since I haven't seen the replay."
But don't also say: "… because there was blood and bone fragments all over the scoreboard."

If you want to say: "Did we pay that guy too much? I think we paid that guy too much. Let me see the contract again. Oh man, we paid that guy way too much."
Instead say: "As per team policy, financial terms were not disclosed."
But don't also say: "… even though they'll be posted on capgeek.com seven seconds after you read this."

If you want to say: "Sure, fighting Brent Johnson sounds like a super idea!"
Instead say: "I think I'll just curl up in a little ball inside my net where it's safe."
But don't also say: "… hey, where'd this puddle come from?"

If you want to say: "Even though we're in last place and have lost seventeen games in a row, I'm not allowed to waive my no-trade clause because my wife says she really likes the shopping in this city."
Instead say: "I am absolutely committed to this team and want to win a championship here."
But don't also say: "Yes honey, I was just … no, just talking to some reporters and… yes dear, of course, I'll be home immediately."

If you want to say: "This player is lazy, doesn't try hard, stops caring entirely for weeks at a time, and all his teammates want to strangle him."
Instead say: "This player is enigmatic."
But don't also say: "… that's Russian for 'total headcase', right?"

If you want to say: "Our coach has been fired? Hallelujah! Now maybe we can all start trying again!"
Instead say: "It's always tough to see somebody lose their job."
But don't also say: "… now quick, somebody help me set his office on fire before they change their mind."

If you want to say: "Hey, you know what would be fantastic? If my defencemen could go one shift without turning the puck over, screening me, and then deflecting slapshots past me. Can we maybe try that once, guys, just for a change?"
Instead say: "We win as a team, and we lose as a team."
But don't also say: "… and after looking at this team, I've decided to go fight Brent Johnson."

If you want to say: "I'm pretty sure our star player might be dead."
Instead say: "He is questionable to return after suffering an upper body injury."
But don't also say: "… in the sense that, technically, his upper body was the last known location of his head."

If you want to say: "We are completely hopeless."
Instead say: "Hey, we just need a few bounces to go our way!"
But don't also say: "… like if the other team's bus bounced off of the overpass on the way to the game, we could probably pick up a point."

If you want to say: "Maybe it's just not working out here, I guess. Who knows? I can't get anything going, so maybe it's time for a change or something."
Instead say: "I want to be here. I love the city. I love the fans. I love the team. I want to be here for a very long time."
But don't also say: … all of the above, while blinking "Oh God, won't somebody please rescue me?" in morse code.

A hockey fan's guide to modern TV technology

This 2010-11 Tyler Bozak highlight video sucks.

Hockey Night in Canada will break new ground on Saturday when the game between the Maple Leafs and Canadiens marks their first broadcast available in 3D.

That's great news if you have a 3D-ready television. But most hockey fans don't. And in fact, many hockey fans are still watching the game on old-fashioned sets without any of the bells and whistles that so many others now take for granted.

My guess is that many of those late adopters might consider upgrading to a more modern system in time for this weekend's game. And if you're one them, I'm here to help with this handy guide to help a hockey fan get up and running with the latest television technology.

Getting Started
First step: Go buy an expensive television and home entertainment system, bring it home, and hook it up. Go ahead, I'll wait here.

Are you back? Great. Let's make sure you're ready for some hockey. First, press the power button on one of the seven remote controls you now own. No, not that one. The one that's kind of greyish. No, the other one that's kind of greyish. You know what, just hit the power buttons on all of them. Good, we're ready to get started.

High-Definition Television
A top quality high-definition television can produce up to 17 million colors, which is enough to display almost half of the colors present in one of Don Cherry's jackets. To hook up your high-def TV, follow these steps:

• First, tune your television to your favourite sports channel so you can see what the anchors look like in standard definition.
  
• Next, locate the HDMI cable and plug it into the back of your TV.
  
• Now check the screen and see what the anchors look like in high-definition.
  
• Finally, yank the HDMI cable out of the television and throw it out of the window before collapsing on the ground, clawing at your eyes in horror.

Watching Television in 3D
If you've purchased a 3D set, put on your special glasses and wait for something to be projected directly towards the screen. If you're watching a made-for-3D movie, this will happen every few seconds. If you're watching anything else, this will happen never.

Helpful hint: When watching hockey in 3D, it's probably a good idea to look away from the screen any time James Wisniewski starts getting angry.

Stereo Sound
Your new entertainment system will feature stereo sound that delivers a much richer experience. Set up the various speakers in strategic locations around the room, and soon you'll be enjoying the sound of your friends telling you that you didn't put them in the right place.

You'll also be able to hear enhanced audio during hockey games, such as hits rattling off the glass, players calling for passes, and enhanced crowd noise. (Please note: Crowd noise not available for games broadcast from the Air Canada Centre.)

The Personal Vide Recorder
A personal video recorder (or PVR) is a device that allows you to pause, record, fast forward and rewind live television. While it can be used for any type of programming, it's especially useful for sports fans who want to record games to watch later.

Your system will come with a handy onscreen guide that will make the process easy. Scroll through the menu to find the game you want to record. Notice that the guide is helpfully set to record the game from 7:00 to 9:30, which is fine since nobody really wants to watch the end of the third period anyway.

When it's time to watch the game you've recorded, you can fast forward until you see something interesting happening. Then you can fast forward past that while you try to remember where the rewind button is. Then you can rewind too far and miss it again. Then you can accidentally press the "live" button, skip directly to the end of the game, see the final score, and throw your remote control out the window. Don't worry, you still have six more.

Helpful hint: Remember to feel slightly guilty about fast forwarding through the national anthem.

The Blu-ray player
A Blu-ray player is a device that allows Calgary Flames fans to watch movies during the playoffs.

Troubleshooting
Still having problems? Try some of these fixes to common issues.

Problem: I recorded my favourite team's game and decided to watch all their goals, fights and big hits, but I ended up just fast forwarding and fast forwarding until the game was over.
Solution: Stop cheering for the Ottawa Senators.

Problem: My TV is stuck on an image of Sidney Crosby, and the Penguins aren't even playing in this game.
Solution: You have accidentally switched over to an NBC broadcast.

Problem: I'm pressing my remote control's "mute" button, but the announcer just keeps getting louder.
Solution: You are attempting to mute Pierre McGuire. Nobody can mute Pierre McGuire.

Problem: The picture starts out sharp and clear for the opening faceoff, but becomes increasingly blurry as the game goes on until it is almost impossible to tell what's happening.
Solution: You're a Leaf fan. Try not to drink so much during the game.

The Code: Hockey's unwritten rules revealed

Wait, I think one of us might be
doing it wrong.

Hockey fans often hear about the infamous "unwritten code" that governs fighting in the NHL. Any time there's an incident involving punches being thrown, you can count on someone making reference to The Code and whether a particular player's actions have violated it.

Unfortunately, it's a myth.

No, not the existence of The Code itself. It's the "unwritten" part that everyone has wrong. In reality, The Code has been written down in detail and passed on from one generation of NHL tough guys to the next. Every enforcer in the league has a copy; they just don't let us see it.

Until now, that is. I've obtained a tattered copy of The Code, and transcribed it below. It's time that hockey fans knew the truth.

***

Dear enforcer,

Welcome to the league. In your role as an NHL tough guy, you will be expected to conduct yourself according to a traditional set of rules and procedures. We call them The Code, and they are the rules we live by.

Please read The Code carefully and thoroughly, and follow it at all times.

Weight classes
All players shall be divided into the following weight classes, listed in descending order of toughness:

• Heavyweight
  
• Cruiserweight
  
• Middleweight
  
• Lightweight
  
• Doug Weight

Choosing an opponent
The Code dictates that players should stay within their weight class whenever possible. For example, a heavyweight may only fight:

• Another heavyweight
  
• A cruiserweight who has instigated the confrontation
  
• A lightweight who has attempted to injure a teammate
  
• An overweight Flyers fan who has fallen into the penalty box.
  
• The nagging feeling that your job will no longer exist in three years.

Rules of engagement
Any of the following phrases, when spoken directly to an opponent, shall be taken as a invitation to fight:

• "Let's go."
  
• "Wanna drop the gloves?"
  
• "Would you like hear a detailed rundown of my fantasy draft?"
  
• "Whoa oh oh, this is Canada's team!"
  
• "I don't know, Paul, to be honest I find your twitter account sort of juvenile and repetitive."

When to fight
It is considered appropriate to initiate a fight when:

• Your team has lost momentum at home, and you want to wake up the crowd
  
• An opponent has committed a serious offence for which immediate retribution is required
  
• You suddenly realize that you haven't been mentioned on Coach's Corner in almost three weeks
  
• Colin Campbell e-mailed you and told you to. (Note: It's probably a good idea to delete the e-mail afterwards)

When not to fight
Avoid fighting under inappropriate circumstances, such as when:

• The coach has given you specific instructions not to
  
• Late in a close game, when an instigator penalty could result in a crucial powerplay goal
  
• Your opponent is not expecting it, since he's busy listening to the national anthem
  
• Some other completely inappropriate time, such as the playoffs

Punishable acts
Any of the following acts shall be deemed in violation of The Code, and deserving of an immediate punch in the face:

• Shooting a puck towards the net after a whistle
  
• Spraying snow on a goalie who has covered the puck
  
• Revealing the ending to "The Wire" to someone who hasn't finished watching the DVDs yet
  
• Attempting that cheap breakaway move from NHL 94
  
• Being Sean Avery

Removal of equipment
If, in the moments immediately preceding a fight, an opposing player:

• Removes his gloves: You must do the same
  
• Removes his helmet and visor: You should do the same
  
• Removes his elbow pad: You may do the same if you choose to
  
• Removes his shirt and pants: You should consider the possibility that you are not actually in a fight and have instead accidentally wandered into Patrick Kane's limousine

When the fight is over
An altercation is considered over as soon as any of the following occur:

• The linesmen make their first effort to intervene
  
• One or both players goes to the ice
  
• The opponent's trainer asks if you could hold off hitting him for a few seconds while they get him on to the stretcher
  
• The Minnesota Wild fan gets a hand free and starts dialling his lawyer on his cell phone
  
• Pretty much as soon as it begins, if you are Matt Carkner and the other guy is Colton Orr

This concludes The Code. Remember, memorize its rules and follow them at all times.

(Unless, you know, somebody makes you really mad. Then just go ahead and do whatever you want.)

A transcript of every hockey game ever broadcast

The red light was so bright that Vesa
Toskala stood in front of it out of force of habit

Voiceover: Welcome to tonight's coverage of every NHL game ever broadcast. Here's a montage of slow motion highlights set to non-threatening rock music. Now over to our in-studio host for tonight's game.

Host: Hello everyone, I'm a little too excited to be here. With me is our panel of experts.

Management: I'm the former coach and/or front office executive. Everything I say will be driven by grudges I still hold from my failed career.

Player: I'm the recently retired player. I'm still friends with most of these guys, so I'll never say anything interesting.

Media: And I'm the media guy. I will take every moment of the game and force it into a larger narrative for storytelling purposes.

Host: Who are you picking to win tonight?

Management: I'm picking the home team, because the visiting team fired me in 1983.

Player: I'm taking both teams, because I don't see why everyone can't be a winner.

Media: I'm taking the visitors, because I'm working on a story about concussions.

Host: Makes sense. Let's send it up to the play-by-play announcer and the analyst.

Play-by-play: Good evening. I'm a shameless homer, but will make a half-hearted attempt to disguise that if this is a national broadcast.

Analyst: And I will say things you already know, five seconds after you yell them at your television.

Play-by-play: We will now show you shots of both goaltenders, followed by a slow zoom on the referee who has his hand in the air.

Analyst: Don't forget the shot of a coach staring into space.

Play-by-play: Something interesting has happened right off the bat, although you didn't see it because you were trying to read the line combinations that we flash on the screen in three-point font. Let's go down to the guy we've stuck between the benches. What did you think of that play?

Bench: I have no idea. You can't see anything down here and I'm terrified of being hit with a slap shot.

Play-by-play: Well, thanks anyway.

Bench: I will now go silent just in time for the players around me to teach your children some new swear words.

Play-by-play: Very educational. Let's send it back to the panel for the first intermission show.

Host: Welcome to the first intermission show, where we ignore everything that's happened in the game so far and instead have the discussion we'd already prepared in advance. The home team has recently lost two games in a row. What fatal flaw would you randomly attribute those losses to?

Management: I'm going to say a complete lack of intelligence on the part of everyone who has ever been employed by the franchise.

Media: I'm going to attribute it to a lack of character, brought on by the disintegration of the traditional nuclear family.

Player: I'm going to chalk it up to small sample size.

(Horrified silence.)

Player: Just kidding. Let's go with character.

Host: Now over to the highlight guy, who is in the same studio but has to stand ten feet away from us for some reason.

Highlights: I resent you all terribly.

Host: Back to you guys in the booth!

Play-by-play: Welcome back. Here's a scoring chance … he scores! Let's bring in the former goaltender that we're legally obligated to include on every broadcast.

Ex-goalie: That one was totally not the goaltender's fault, it was deflected in off a stick.

Play-by-play: The goal came on a breakaway.

Ex-goalie: Exactly. The shooter deflected it into the net using his own stick. Those are the hardest kind to stop.

Play-by-play: Have you ever seen a goal that was the goalie's fault?

Ex-goalie: Not yet, no.

Play-by-play: Let's send it back to the panel for the second intermission.

Host: When you last saw us, we were telling you how terrible the home team was. Now that they've had one good period, let's pretend that never happened and instead go overboard in praising how well they're playing.

Management: Here's a play from that last period, filmed from 15,000 feet above the ice. I will now scribble randomly on the screen with a magic marker.

Player: Everyone tried really hard on that play and seemed to have fun.

Media: Global warming!

Host: Highlight guy?

Highlights: (sniffle)

Host: Back to the action!

Play-by-play: It's a 1-0 game, which means you're in for 20 minutes of plodding defensive trapping that we'll pretend is entertaining.

Analyst: I will make vague references to a defensive "system" without ever explaining what that actually means.

Play-by-play: And now a fight has broken out. I will attempt to win a Gemini by pretending to be completely horrified.

Analyst: This is an overwrought comment about how nobody likes fighting, which you are unable to hear because the fans are cheering so loudly.

Play-by-play: And there's the final buzzer.

Analyst: This game went much faster than usual.

Play-by-play: Shut up.

Analyst: Here are tonight's three stars, which don't make any sense since we had to pick them with twelve minutes left in the second period.

Play-by-play: And now let's send it back to the studio for the post-game.

Host: Panel, before the game we all unanimously agreed that the home team would never win another game. Now that they've won, is it fair to say that it is in fact the visiting team that will never win again?

Management: Not unless they hire some new blood to the front office. Hint hint.

Player: I brought orange slices for everyone.

Media: Trapped miners!

Host: Highlight guy?

Highlights: Die. All of you.

Host: Thanks for watching everyone. Stay tuned to watch anchors narrate highlights of the game you just saw!

A hockey fan's guide to the World Cup

The Canadian referee kept waving off
goals due to distinctive kicking motions

Hockey fans experiencing withdrawal after the end of the NHL season got some good news when the FIFA World Cup began on Friday. But while hockey fans would no doubt appreciate the spectacle of the world's most popular sporting event, many don't understand the "beautiful game".

On the surface, the World Cup is actually quite similar to the NHL. But while there are several difference, many are subtle and may prove confusing for novice fans. That's why I put a call out to DGB's various international bureaus, and together we put together this guide for hockey fans hoping to follow the World Cup action over the coming month.

The World Cup: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely a diehard fan who was travelled from an exotic foreign land to attend the game.
The NHL: If you see a guy wearing flamboyant clothing who is struggling to communicate with you in English, he is likely Don Cherry.

The World Cup: The sport is called "football", although Americans often refer to it as "soccer".
The NHL: The sport is called "hockey", although Americans often refer to it as "something to watch if there's no baseball, football, basketball, golf, Nascar, poker, MMA, fishing or bowling on TV".

The World Cup: "Injury time" refers to the additional playing time added to the end of each half at the discretion of the referee.
The NHL: "Injury time" refers to whenever Rick DiPietro steps on the ice.

The World Cup: Watching a game can be almost unbearable thanks to the "vuvuzela", a South African noisemaking horn that produces a horribly annoying noise that drones on nonstop for the entire game, leaving you fighting the urge to hurl the remote through your TV screen.
The NHL: Pierre McGuire.

The World Cup: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to differences in international time zones.
The NHL: The games can start as early as 7:30 a.m., due to NBC not wanting to preempt any important infomercials or horse racing pregame shows later that afternoon.

The World Cup: In 1986, the "Hand of God" sent Argentina into the semi-finals at Mexico City.
The NHL: In 1993, the "Hand of God" sent Marty McSorley's eyeball into the fifteenth row at Maple Leaf Gardens.

The World Cup: A player will occasionally be granted a "penalty kick", presenting him with so much open net to shoot at that he's virtually guaranteed to score as long as he doesn't miss the net or hit the post.
The NHL: This is known as "shooting against Vesa Toskala".

The World Cup: The last thing anyone wants to see is a referee holding a red card.
The NHL: The last thing anyone wants to see is Chris Neil holding a credit card.

The World Cup: In an embarrassing display that any self-respecting sports fan would feel nauseated by, players will often react to even the slightest contact by pretending to be injured while rolling around pathetically on the grass.
The NHL: Completely different. The game is played on ice instead of grass.

The World Cup: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "hooligans".
The NHL: Riot police must often use tear gas, armoured vehicles and water cannons to subdue reckless perpetrators of violence known as "Chris Pronger".

The World Cup: Canadian teams never win.
The NHL: Same.

The World Cup: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he is the goalie.
The NHL: If you notice a player wearing a different jersey than his teammates, it's because he arrived five minutes late and his team had already done another jersey redesign.

The World Cup: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "friendly".
The NHL: A game which is played under standard rules but won't have any actual impact on the final standings or eventual champion is known as a "Maple Leafs regular season game after mid-November".

From The Archives: The DGB Leafs/Kings game six liveblog

Spoiler alert: This guy plays a role

"From the Archives" is a new feature that will examine famous moments in hockey history by revisiting the original DGB blog content that covered them. Today's post is from May, 1993.

Wait, what? A blog archive from almost 20 years ago? That's right. A lot of you kids don't know this, but sports blogging has been around for a long time.

Well before the internet even existed, diehard sports fans like me were posting our thoughts for the world -- it was just done a little bit differently than today. For example, back in the day we "blogged" by writing in longhand in pen in a spiral notebook. If you wanted to add a photo, you cut one out of a magazine. When you were done, you "posted" your content by taping it to your front window. If other people liked your work, they would link to it by drawing an arrow pointing to your house and taping it to their own window.

Not many people noticed what you wrote, but occasionally somebody would wander by and read a few words. Then they'd usually roll their eyes, ring your doorbell, wait for you to open the door, and then drag you into the street to beat you up. So in that sense, not much has really changed.

So anyway, let's dive into the DGB archives. Today we'll travel back exactly seventeen years ago - May 27, 1993. The Toronto Maple Leafs are in Los Angeles, playing the Kings in Game Six of the Western Conference final. The Leafs hold a 3-2 series lead and are one win away from meeting the Montreal Canadiens in the Stanley Cup finals. And a young DGB was liveblogging every moment.

We'll pick up the action late in the third period, with the Leafs trailing 4-3.

1:38 a.m. - Wow, is it ever late. I guess that's what happens when you've got a west coast game that doesn't start until 11:00 in the east. If this game goes to overtime I'm going to be completely exhausted tomorrow. I hope I'm not too sleepy for football practice, given my role as the star quarterback. I'd hate to disappoint my loving and devoted girlfriend, every member of the cheerleading squad.

1:40 a.m. - Hey, still, these late games are way better than playing in the middle of the afternoon, am I right? Man. I don't know why NBA fans put up with that.

1:42 a.m. - OK, back to the game. The Kings are still holding on to their one-goal lead. The Leafs look exhausted, which I suppose is to be expected. After winning two consecutive seven-game series, they're now playing their 20th game in 39 nights. It's a stretch of games that's literally unprecedented in NHL history, and you have to figure they're running on fumes.

It would have been nice for them to get some rest during this run, but then again what's the league supposed to do -- take a week off in the middle of the playoffs for no reason? Good luck sustaining any interest if you did that.

1:45 a.m. - Leafs still trailing. I know I shouldn't look ahead, but I can't help but think we'd have a great chance against the Habs in the finals. Don't get me wrong, the Habs are a great team and will no doubt be making regular appearances in the conference finals for years to come. But they've also been on an incredible streak of good luck -- they've won an amazing seven straight OT games this post-season. Seven! There's simply no way that can continue in the next round.

I guess what I'm saying is I don't see the Habs beating either of these teams in the finals unless something completely miraculous happens.

1:46 a.m. - Hey, totally off-topic, but have you noticed how Marty McSorley never seems to get any air under his shots? I have a friend who works on the Kings' equipment staff, I'm going to call him up after this series and suggest Marty start using a bigger curve on his stick.

1:48 a.m. - Two minutes left. It's now or never for the Leafs. If they're going to make history tonight, somebody has to step up right now.

1:49 a.m. - Felix Potvin stops a Kings 3-on-2 with 90 seconds left. He quickly plays it up to Gilmour, then heads for the bench. The Leafs are pressing as Wendel Clark hits the ice as the sixth attacker. Dougie finds him with a seeing eye pass... and Wendel is all alone at the top of the circle!

1:49 a.m. - Clark winds...

1:49 a.m. - Clark shoots...

(Editor's note: The notebook's next few pages are stuck together. Skipping ahead a bit.)

1:53 a.m. - (Extinguishes cigarette.)

1:55 a.m. - Wendel Clark is simply unstoppable tonight. That was his third goal, and they've all been beauties. This might be the greatest game of his career. Hell, it might be the greatest game of any Leaf's career, ever. He's single-handedly willing the Leafs into the finals, and there's not a damn thing the Kings can do about it.

Mark my words: the Leafs are winning this game in overtime on their first even-strength shift.

1:57 a.m. - Holy crap... Glenn Anderson just drove Rob Blake headfirst into the end boards in the dying seconds of regulation. He got two minutes for boarding, and the Kings will start OT on the powerplay.

Now look, some Leaf fans are going to complain about a penalty being handed out this late in a crucial game. But I'm going to defend the referee, whoever that is tonight. What Anderson did is a penalty. Period. It's right there in the rulebook. And you have to call it, even if it's an important game. Nay, you have to call it because it's an important game. The rules are the rules, and you can't ignore them just because you have to make an unpopular call.

1:58 a.m. - Turns out the referee tonight is Kerry Fraser, by the way. Just making a note of it for the sake of completeness, I'm sure it won't end up being important.

2:00 a.m. - And we're into the intermission.

2:10 a.m. - Ugh. CBC is killing time before OT by showing us a bunch of Habs propaganda. They're doing features on some of their all-time greats. It's pretty standard stuff, although I did learn one thing: Did you know that former Habs tough guy John Ferguson has a son who was dropped down a flight of stairs as a baby, fifteen different times? Inspiring story. I wish them all the best.

2:12 a.m. - So nervous... We're one goal away from a trip the Stanley Cup finals. We just need to kill this penalty.

2:15 a.m. - And we're back. Here goes nothing.

2:17 a.m. - My god. Wayne Gretzky just high-sticked Doug Gilmour right in the face! Dougie is bleeding all over the ice. I don't have to tell you what that means: It's going to be five minutes and a game, since that's what the rulebook says and is how it's been called every single other time it's happened all year.

2:18 a.m. - I mean, I really can't overstate how incredible this turn of events is. Wayne Gretzky is going to get kicked out of this game. They'll play four-on-four for a few more seconds, and then the Leafs will have an extended powerplay.

2:18 a.m. - Look, not to get ahead of myself here, but good God almighty, the Leafs are going to score on this powerplay. There's no doubt in my mind. Wendel is unstoppable tonight. He's going to score, the Leafs are going to win the game, and then they're going to play the Montreal Canadiens for the Stanley Cup. I am literally seconds away from experiencing what will no doubt stand as the greatest moment of my young life.

2:19 a.m. - Hm, it's taking a lot longer than usual to call this penalty.

2:19 a.m. - One more thought while they clear up whatever minor procedural matter is causing this delay. This highsticking major on Wayne Gretzky, the announcement of which is no doubt a mere formality, is going to go down as one of the most stunning calls in NHL history. It will be discussed for decades. And Kerry Fraser is going to be the one to make it.

Imagine how he feels right now. With 20,000 fans in the building and millions more watching on TV, he's been handed a chance to make one of the toughest calls in league history. This is the moment that every official in every sport dreams of. This exact moment is why you ever pick up that whistle in the first place.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: For the rest of hockey history, whenever you hear the phrase "Cowardly referee who stares down the biggest call of his career and chokes on his whistle and then lies about it", you will immediately think: "The exact opposite of Kerry Fraser".

2:20 a.m. - Um, why is Wayne Gretzky taking the faceoff?

2:20 a.m. - WHY IS WAYNE GRETZKY TAKING THE FACEOFF???

2:20 a.m. - Oh god, he didn't call it. He didn't call it he didn't call it he didn't call it he didn't call it...

(Editor's note: That goes on for several dozen pages. I'm just going to skip ahead.)

2:22 a.m. - Hockey gods? Can we talk?

Look, I understand what's happening here. Kerry Fraser just refused to call an obvious penalty that could have helped send the Leafs to an historic showdown with the Canadiens for the Stanley Cup. I see what you're doing, and I know where this is going. I know the Leafs are going to lose this game now. Every Leaf fan knows it. In fact, there's really no reason to string us along. You might as well just have the goal happen right now.

But first, just one request: Have it be somebody other than Gretzky who scores, OK? Anyone but the guy who's still got Dougie's blood on his stick. That's not to much to ask, is it?

I'm so young and full of hope right now. My whole life as a hockey fan is spread out before me. So much optimism. So much possibility. And I can't help but feel like this could be a turning point, hockey gods. If you let Gretzky score right here, I'm going to have to go ahead and assume that you hate Leaf fans and want us to suffer forever. And I don't know if I could handle that.

But I do know this: I really don't want to turn into some bitter, burnt out Leaf fan who rants about things that happened a generation ago in a way that starts off funny but gradually just makes everyone around him uncomfortable. Don't let that happen to me, hockey gods. Please.

Just not Gretzky. Anyone but Gretzky.

2:23 a.m. - Of course.

2:24 a.m. - I will not cry. You will not get that satisfaction, hockey gods. Not tonight.

(Editor's note: The next few entries are hard to read. I must have spilled a glass of water on them or something.)

2:32 a.m. - You know what? This isn't the end of this series. Sure, it's a terrible way to lose. Sure, it will probably cost Kerry Fraser his career because even the zero-accountability NHL wouldn't try to defend this level of incompetence and will no doubt fire him first thing tomorrow morning.

But I'm not going to let this get me down. After all, I still have a lot going for me. The Blue Jays continue to dominate against smaller markets like Boston. Letterman's new show will debut soon and wipe Leno off the air for good. And Chinese Democracy should be out by the end of the year.

And most important of all: There's still game seven, Saturday night at the Gardens. The Leafs still have a shot. They may win. They may lose. But they still have a shot.

And I'll tell you this much: Wayne Gretzky just used up a lifetime worth of luck tonight. If he's going to be a factor in game seven, he better be ready to play the best game of his career. Because if there's any justice left in the world, his days of lucky fluke goals are over.

Leafs in seven, baby. They're winning this series, and then they're beating the Habs. The dynasty begins now. The Maple Leafs are winning the Stanley Cup.

Because, man... god help me if they don't.

The NHL's top secret flow chart for handing out suspensions

The NHL's discipline policy has been in the news again lately. We've seen various incidents involving Alexander Ovechkin, Mike Richards, Curtis Glencross, Colton Orr and others, not to mention the OHL's season-long ban to Mike Liambas.

And as always, the NHL's suspension decisions have been criticized. It's the usual refrain: discipline is handed out haphazardly, almost randomly, and there doesn't seem to be any sort of consistency.

Nonsense. The criticism is unfair and unfounded. The NHL has a clear policy when it comes to suspensions, and the policy is followed faithfully. The league just hasn't decided to share it. So I'm doing it for them.

Yes, I have a copy of the NHL's discipline policy. And given recent events, I think it's only fair that hockey fans everywhere get to see it.

So here, straight from the desk of Colin Campbell himself, is the super top secret policy for handing out suspensions:

Download this.

By the way, it should go without saying that this policy applies only in the regular season. There's a separate policy for the post-season, which can be found here:

Download this.

There. So much for "random suspensions". Don't you all feel silly now?

Other DGB posts like this one:

• Gary Bettman's gmail account
  
• The Maple Leafs' Facebook feed
  
• Top secret transcripts
  
• Brian Burke's Twitter
  
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