Showing posts with label senators. Show all posts
Showing posts with label senators. Show all posts

Monday, December 2, 2013

Weekend wrap: The inevitable crash-and-burn of the Toronto Maple Leafs

A look at three of the biggest stories from the NHL weekend and how they’ll play into the coming days.

The Stats Guys Are Happy, So the Leafs Must be Losing

Early in the season, we presented the 2013-14 Toronto Maple Leafs as the canary in the advanced-stats mine shaft — the ultimate test case of everything that hockey’s wave of new metrics and data-based analytics thought it knew about what drives success. We've learned the numbers point to the critical importance of possession. Teams that control the puck — and use that control to direct a lot of shots at the net — usually win. Teams that can’t do it usually lose.

But occasionally we see a short-term outlier, and last year’s Toronto team was one. The stats guys said they couldn’t keep winning that way. The Maple Leafs insisted that they could. And over the season’s first few weeks, it looked like Toronto was going to pull it off once again. Leafs fans rejoiced. Old-school media gloated. Celebratory T-shirts were, literally, printed up.

Those days suddenly feel like a very long time ago. The Toronto Maple Leafs are in a free fall.

Last Monday, the Leafs were humiliated by the Blue Jackets on their home ice, dropping a 6-0 decision. On Wednesday in Pittsburgh, they suffered the embarrassment of failing to get so much as a single shot after the second intermission. On Friday, they faced the dead-last Sabres in a battle of the two worst possession teams of the advanced stats era and lost again.

Saturday night brought yet another defeat, this time to the Canadiens. Montreal jumped out to a 4-0 second-period lead before a pair of Leafs goals made the final respectable, but this one was never really in doubt.

Leafs fans won’t want to hear it, but the math is actually pretty simple: If they can’t fix their shot clock issues, the Leafs will need historically good goaltending to win. They were getting that early on, and it helped them start the season 6-1-0. But in recent games, with James Reimer and Jonathan Bernier looking merely good instead of excellent, the Leafs seem overwhelmed. In their last 20, they’ve been under .500 at 8-9-3. They can’t score anymore. The defensive system is a mess. The coach sounds like he’s out of answers. And the season is slipping away from them.

Or maybe not. This could just be a cold streak, after all, the kind that every team hits at least once or twice over a long season. It’s worth remembering that while the Leafs have dropped from the top of the Atlantic down to wild-card status, they’re still four points up on the ninth spot. Plenty of teams would love to trade places with them.

So that’s the good news. The bad news is that the December schedule is absolutely brutal, including several games with the top Western Conference teams that the Leafs have mostly avoided so far. If they’re going to turn their season around, they’ll need to do it against the league’s best.

Oh, and this is the month that the HBO cameras show up. No pressure, guys.

>> Read the full post on Grantland






Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Why are the Ottawa Senators losing money?

Melnyk was devastated to learn the post
would not include any Heatley jokes.
According to news reports, the Ottawa Senators lost money this season for the second year in a row. When I first read that, I assumed it was a mistake. I'm sure most of you did too.

After all, the game is booming in Canada. TV ratings are soaring, the dollar is strong, and there's even talk of adding more teams in the Great White North. How is it possible that a team in a city that unironically calls itself "Hockey Country" could be losing money?

Unfortunately, it's true. And after crunching some numbers and holding off-the-record discussions with several front office staff, I think I know why.
  • That whole "Alexei Kovalev will act like he vaguely gives a crap or your money back" promotion was probably a bad idea.

  • Foolishly bet Mike Fisher $100 that he wouldn't have the guts to ask out the next former reality show C-lister who walked through the door.

  • Probably should have listened to Andy Sutton and ensured that financial advisors were, in fact, experts.

  • Fans must remember that markets like Toronto and Montreal have certain geographical advantages, such as a larger population base, a more established business community, and an arena that's actually accessible by paved roads.

  • Were stuck paying Jonathan Cheechoo's $3.5 million annual salary, which over the course of the entire season worked out to $7 million per goal.

  • Owner Eugene Melnyk in unconcerned about profits and won't hesitate to spend money because he is completely committed to bringing a championship to the city of Ottawa, or at least that's what he told everyone when he showed up for that one game five months ago.

  • It gets expensive sending a new floral arrangement to Matt Carkner's widow every time Colton Orr comes to town.

  • What, you think designing a new uniform every three months is free?

  • Every time he sees the "how acquired" line in Chris Campoli's media guide bio, Bryan Murray throws another plasma TV through the press box window.

  • The dismissal of longtime club president Roy Mlakar had a devastating impact on revenues from the office swear jar.

  • An increasingly desperate desire to please fans lead to an irresponsible series of costly giveaways. (Wait, I'm sorry, that was meant for the list of "Reasons the Senators should trade Jason Spezza".)

  • For several games in December, briefly exceeded operations budget by hiring a second goddamned parking lot attendant.

  • Are still paying the buyout on the Crazy Fat Motivational Gladiator Guy's contract.

  • What can we say, elite goaltending ain't cheap.

  • Gosh, we have no idea. After all, Ottawa is such an amazing sports town.

  • That futuristic biomechanical exoskeleton we had to install in Daniel Alfredsson after the Mark Bell hit takes like a million batteries.

  • In hindsight, Spartacat's "Crowned Rack of Lamb with Saffron Rice and Apricot-Mint Sauce Master Blaster" probably would have still been popular if we'd just used hot dogs.




Thursday, March 25, 2010

NBC's strange new NHL promo

I know it's become trendy to complain about NBC's hockey coverage. And I know it has to be a hard job putting those broadcasts together for a national audience that may or may not even be interested in the sport.

But is it me, or does their latest advertising campaign seem a little... odd?



(Remember, when you don't subscribe to Bloge Salming videos, you're telling the world that you're on Team Leno.)




Monday, March 15, 2010

Cold Cases: The NHL's other missing items

Crime sceneHockey fans are well aware of the recent mini-drama involving Sidney Crosby's equipment from Canada's gold medal game. The stick he used to score the winning goal went missing along with a glove, leading to a Canada-wide search and a $10,000 reward.

The equipment was eventually found, and the hockey world breathed a sigh of relief. But not so fast. It turns out that Crosby's gear was only one example of a growing problem. NHL-related items have been going missing for years, and there are currently several ongoing investigations.

Here are ten example of high-profile ongoing investigations into NHL items that seem to have disappeared.

The item: Daniel Alfredsson's Stanley Cup ring
Missing since: 2004
Case details: Alfredsson famously guaranteed that the Senators would win at least one Stanley Cup. However, there is no evidence that the ring from that championship is currently in his possession.
Investigation status: Progress has proven difficult, as every time the victim is questioned about it he gets upset and storms away.

The item: The Toronto Maple Leafs' first round draft picks
Missing since: September 18, 2009
Case details: A review of the NHL's draft list shows that the Leafs do not have either of their next two first round picks, despite those picks being critical to their rebuilding effort.
Investigation status: While Leafs GM Brian Burke has denied that a crime took place, every Leafs' home game this year has produced 18,800 new eyewitnesses who confirm that a robbery was pulled off.

The item: Brian Campbell's clavicle
Missing since: March 14, 2010
Case details: The clavicle, last seen Sunday morning, has since been replaced by a loose pile of jagged shards and bone-colored dust.
Investigation status: While investigators are said to have a suspect in the case, a thorough sweep of the crime scene failed to uncover any evidence such as DNA, fingerprints, or Olympic medals.

The item: Sean Avery's medication
Missing since: About two weeks ago
Case details: Avery appears to have recently gone off the medication which had prevented him from acting like an attention-starved sideshow, saying ridiculous things, having any discernible personality, responding to outside stimuli in any way, and being an effective player.
Investigation status: No firm leads, but authorities strongly suspect that Larry Flynt is involved.

The item: A Philadelphia Flyers playoff-caliber goaltender
Missing since: 1996
Case details: Oddly enough, the team's front office seems completely unaware that anything is missing.
Investigation status: If we can't solve it now, there's always next year. And the next. And the next...

The item: The piano on Lee Stempniak's back
Missing since: March 3, 2010
Case details: The item apparently holds great sentimental value to Stempniak, since he hadn't been seen without it since November 2008.
Investigation status: Let's just say everyone's pretty sure it will turn up on its own.

The item: Scott Gomez
Missing since: 2007
Case details: Gomez signed an enormous free agent deal with the New York Rangers. He's never been heard from since.
Investigation status: Prime suspect Glen Sather claims to have an alibi, insisting that Gomez was traded to another team in the off-season. But a brief examination of the player's stats and the NHL's salary cap rules reveals that to be clearly impossible.

The item: Tomas Kaberle's copy of the NHL standings
Missing since: 2008
Case details: It's really the only possible explanation for the whole NTC thing, right?
Investigation status: Authorities are anxious to locate the item prior to this year's draft, since it will give Tomas plenty to think about when he's traded to the Oilers.

The item: Personal items from several Montreal Canadiens
Missing since: March 11, 2010
Case details: Various players reported the recent theft of several cans of shoe polish.
Investigation status: It's the strangest thing, they were right here until those two fans walked by and... oh good God, they couldn't have.

The item: Matt Cooke's karma
Missing since: 1999
Case details: Philosophers believe that the karmic effects of one's deeds will actively impact present and future experiences. However, this delicate universal balance seems to have been mysteriously absent during Cooke's NHL career.
Investigation status: Good news! The Boston Bruins have located the missing item, and have promised to personally return it to Cooke this Thursday.




Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Top 20 Maple Leaf moments of the decade - The top 10

This is the second half of the Top 20 Leaf Moments of the Decade list. If you missed it, the first part of the list can be found here.

10. Stumpy wins it - April 22, 2000

Game Five of the 2000 first round series between Ottawa and Toronto was a strange one. The first 55 minutes were deadly dull, with the Leafs mailing in a half-hearted effort and the Senators nursing a 1-0 lead by playing a perfect (i.e. boring) road game.

Then Steve Thomas scored with five minutes left to tie it. And then all hell broke loose. The two teams turned up the tempo to close out the third period, and then went on to play an end-to-end overtime period that featured a dozen scoring chances.

That's when the Leafs unveiled one of the most dastardly trick plays in recent sports history: Sergei Berezin passing.



As an added bonus, Thomas and Berezin reacted to the game winning goal by performing a WWE-style double clothesline on each other.

9. PING! - April 13, 2001

You already know what goal it is just from the headline, don't you?

In the four-pack of Leaf playoff wins over the Senators, the 2001 series was actually the only one where the Senators had home ice advantage. Well, not so much "home ice advantage", since that implies that you get to play some games in front of fans that are actually cheering for you. But the Senators were the #2 seed in the East that year, and were expected to beat the lowly #7 seed Leafs.

Didn't happen. In fact, it didn't come remotely close to happening, as Curtis Joseph shut out the Senators in each of the first two games and the Leafs completed a four-game sweep back in Toronto (giving the Senators the distinction of not scoring a single post-season goal in their own arena). And it all started with a tight Game One that was tied 0-0 midway through the first overtime.



Don't worry, Sens fans. There's brighter days ahead in this rivalry. (I'm sorry? What's that? Oh. I've just been informed that there are, in fact, not brighter days ahead.)

8. Tie Domi fights a Flyer fan in the penalty box - March 29, 2001

I wrote about this one back in September as part of the Top 10 Leaf Fights of All-Time post. I included a transcript of what's going through this Flyer fan's mind:

"Hey, Domi just sprayed water on me, which technically ends my month-long streak of not bathing! I think I'll bang on the glass and try to look tough when I know he can't reach me. Hm, I wonder if this glass can support 300 lbs of cheesesteak and loneliness? No, apparently it can not. Oh god, I'm going to die. Also, I just soiled myself on national television. Go Flyers!"



Domi never really got the credit he deserved here. While he did enough to defend himself, he somehow resisted the urge to go Rob Ray on the poor slob. And that should count for something, shouldn't it?

By the way, how perfect is the "Dunkin Donuts" ad placement in the penalty box?

7. Sundin's milestones - October 14, 2006 and October 11, 2007

Mats Sundin was so good that he actually broke Darryl Sittler's all-time Leafs scoring record twice in the same game. He was credited with a second period assist against the Islanders and held the record for about a half hour before officials revoked the point (Sundin hadn't actually touched the puck).

No problem. Sundin came out in third period and scored a goal of his own. That gave him 390 goals and 917 points as a Leaf -- breaking both of Sittler's franchise records with one shot.



While the moment was clearly important in terms of history, the goal came in the late stages of a blowout against the Islanders and was a fluke shot that wasn't really worthy of the moment. Then again, what's the guy supposed to do for a major milestone? Score a short-handed overtime hat trick goal on Hockey Night in Canada? Fine, if you insist:



(And in case you're wondering, I combined these two moments because they both represent similarly memorable milestones in Sundin's great career, and certainly not because I realized I still had 11 moments that needed to fit into a top 10 list. I don't know why you'd even think that. Look, why are we arguing? Let's change the subject: Hey, who wants to see a Finnish guy get his brains scrambled?)

6. Darcy Tucker destroys Sami Kapanen - May 4, 2004

This hit from the 2004 playoffs was undoubtedly the most vicious hit of the decade by a Maple Leaf, and quite possibly by any NHL player, period. Kapanen was so decimated by the impact that officials immediately whistled the play dead, and the rest of the shift never happened. Did you hear me? THE REST OF THE SHIFT NEVER HAPPENED!

No penalty was called on the play, although technically you could make a case for charging, boarding, and second degree manslaughter. The league reviewed the hit, and promptly suspended the Maple Leafs from ever participating in the playoffs again.



Um... is that guy in the front row wearing a bathing cap,a helmet, or amateur wrestling headgear?

5. Gary Roberts scores in triple overtime - May 4, 2002

Hey look, the Leafs and Senators seem to be involved in some sort of crucial post-season game. I wonder how this will turn out?



Wade Redden with his finger up his nose still makes me laugh every single time.

4. Sundin returns - October 14, 2008

Let's get this out of the way first: I wasn't a fan of the way Mats Sundin left Toronto. I stand by that. But that's history now.

But when Sundin made his return to Toronto as a member of the Canucks, everyone got it right. The Leafs, who honored their former-captain with a classy video. The fans, who gave him a loud and long ovation. The players, who refused to take the faceoff until Sundin had had his moment. And finally Sundin himself, who composed himself (barely) and then went on to score the shootout winner.



The only way this moment could have been better would have been if the fans had had the chance to thank Sundin when he was still wearing a Leafs uniform. Speaking of which...

3. Thank You Wendel - April 27, 2000

While you don't really associate Clark with the current decade, his last stint with the Leafs came at the end of the 1999-2000 season. He played 20 mostly forgettable regular season games and was scratched for the team's first playoff games. Pat Quinn inserted Clark into the lineup midway through the first round, and he scored the series-clinching goal against the Senators.

And then game one against the Devils:



2. Mats Sundin's last second goal against the Hurricanes - May 28, 2002

In the final minutes of Game Six of the 2002 Conference Finals, the Leafs found themselves trailing Carolina 1-0. For reasons nobody has ever been able to fully explain, Arturs Irbe was unbeatable in this series, and the Hurricanes were choking the life out of the Leafs on their home ice. As the seconds ticked down, the Leafs' miracle playoff run seemed doomed.

Well, not so fast.



This goal is notable for being the only known example of that horrible "behind-the-net" camera view that directors fell in love with in the first half of the decade actually working. It also gave us not only a memorable Bob Cole call ("... and the place goes crazy!") but also a legendary Joe Bowen meltdown that included him infamously screaming "You talk about heart and dedication!"

It all ended up being futile, of course. The Hurricanes won in overtime, eliminating the Leafs from a series they absolutely should have won. But for a few seconds at least, I doubt there was a goal during the decade that had Leaf fans screaming any louder.

1. Lalime's meltdown - April 20, 2004

It's probably fair to say that by the time the Leafs and Senators met in a 2004 first round series, the two teams hated each other. The Leafs were the corporate behemoth that kept kicking the smaller kids around the playground. The Senators were the small-market underdogs who were supposed to be scrappy and valiant but usually just wound up wiping snot from their noses while the sobbed about being picked on.

So with Daniel Alfredsson guaranteeing victory, Eugene Melnyk running his mouth, and the Senators vowing to finally "slay the dragon", the two teams met for the fourth time in five years. And with nothing settled through six games, it was on to Toronto for a final game seven showdown.

The hockey world was expecting a classic. Instead, they got a classic meltdown.



The Kilger goal was excusable. The first Nieuwendyk goal was awful. The third was almost impossibly bad, the kind of disaster you need to watch over and over again just to convince yourself it was real. And that's the goal we're going with as the #1 moment on the list.

There were probably more important goals scored this decade. There were certainly much better ones. But whether we like it or not, the Battle of Ontario defined the decade for both franchises, and no moment captured the rivalry more perfectly than this one: Leaf fans cheering; Leaf players celebrating; and a Senator slumped on his knees, defeated, and ready to quit.

Honorable mentions

There were a few on-ice moments that didn't make the final list, but deserve a mention. In no particular order:
  • The Leafs/Islanders bloodbath in 2002 - This was perhaps the most vicious series of all-time, but it's hard to pick an actual moment that stands out. Maybe Tucker's low-bridge on Peca?
  • The Leafs/Habs season finale in 2007 - Definitely one of the most memorable games of the decade, but it was rendered moot thanks the Devils laying down for the Islanders the next day. Besides, the only moment from the game that stands out was Andrew Raycroft giving up a horrible goal, getting pulled, and then not caring.
  • Ricard Persson hits Tie Domi from behind - But if Domi had better balance, the Senators would have won.
  • Alexander Mogilny scores his 1,000th point in the Leafs comeback against the Sabres in 2004 - Confession time: I have absolutely no recollection of this happening. Was I in a coma? This is bothering me. (Update: robviper to the rescue with a newly posted youtube video.)
  • Mario Lemieux returns to the NHL and scores three points against the Leafs - Hard to pick a moment where the Leafs got lit up, but any hockey fan had to enjoy this game.
And I'm sure I missed a few. Let me hear about them in the comments.




Friday, December 18, 2009

The Top 20 Maple Leaf moments of the decade - Part 1

Quinn and Ferguson
What has four eyes, no rings and one brain?
Oh, the 00's. What a terrible god-forsaken soul-crushingly awful interesting decade you were.

We had good times (cough, Quinn, cough), bad times (cough, Ferguson I hope you get run over by a cement truck in front of a daycare, cough), and cautious optimism. The decade had a little bit of everything.

Well, except for that big trophy thing. Can't remember what it's called. The Stanford something? It's probably not important.

So here's part one of a look a back at the top 20 Leaf moments of the decade. To keep it simple, we'll limit this to moments that happened on the ice. (Or, in limited cases, in the opponent's bench.)

20. Luke Schenn vs. Evgeni Malkin and Tyler Kennedy - Jan. 31, 2009

This wasn't the biggest hit of the decade, or the most entertaining fight. Not even close, really. But the moment did come to symbolize Schenn's potential, and his status as the centerpiece of the Leafs long-awaited rebuild. Finally, after years of JFJ-induced misery, there was hope. There was a future.

Of course, that was before Schenn regressed into a seventh-string press box denizen. But it was fun for a few months.

Watch it on youtube


19. Owen Nolan wins the "flu game" - Feb. 5, 2004

This game was one of the most bizarre NHL games in recent memory, featured the Leafs greatest comeback of the decade, and marks the first of approximately 18 appearances by the Senators in this list.

The game started off as a typical Leafs/Sens regular season matchup, which is to say the Senators were on their way to an easy blowout win. Midway through the second period, Ottawa was cruising with a 4-0 lead.

Cue the comeback! Oh, and also the explosive diarrhea.

Both teams were battling a severe flu outbreak, but the Ottawa strain was apparently worse. Halfway through the game, the Sens bench began emptying as players were making between-shifts sprints to the restrooms. This marked the first time the Senators had ever soiled themselves during a game that didn't involve Tie Domi making eye contact with somebody.

By the end of regulation the Leafs had tied the game, and Nolan ended it in overtime with a long range slapshot. Afterwards, when reporters went to Nolan looking for a sympathetic quote on the Senators illness woes, he responded with an infamous quote: "boo hoo".


18. Cory Cross scores in OT to beat Ottawa - April 16, 2001

This was probably the least memorable of the (many) overtime goals the Leafs managed against the Senators, since it came in the middle of a fairly easy four-game sweep in 2001. But it was actually a critically important goal.

The Leafs had won the opening two games, shutting out the heavily favored Sens twice in Ottawa. In game three, Curtis Joseph took yet another shutout into the third period as the Leafs lead 2-0. But then a potential series turning point: the Senators scored twice, including the tying goal in the dying seconds. With the game headed to overtime, Leaf fans had to wonder if this was the beginning of an epic collapse.

It wasn't. Journeyman defensive defenceman Cory Cross drilled home a rebound to win it, and in the process became the worst player to ever score an overtime goal for the Leafs (sorry, Gary Valk).

Watch it on youtube


17. Belak vs. Janssen - March 20, 2007

This just seems appropriate for #17, no?

Everyone remembers the circumstances leading up to this epic battle. Weeks earlier, Cam Janssen had sidelined Tomas Kaberle with an obvious cheap shot. Everyone knew that payback would be coming from Wade Belak, and everyone was right.

I'm not saying this was a long fight, but they dropped the gloves in March of 2007 and it just ended a few minutes ago.

Watch it on youtube


16. Travis Green's OT winner against the Flyers - April 21, 2003

A lot of fans have forgotten this overtime winner, and with good reason. The 2003 playoffs were the only ones of the Quinn era that saw the Leafs make a first round exit, and most fans have saved precious space in their long-term memories for the longer runs that marked the first half of the decade.

Here's a depressing thought, though: this happened in 2003, and the Leafs haven't had an overtime playoff win since.


15. Kaberle quiets the Devils - May 5, 2001

Sometimes, hockey games seem destined follow a predictable storyline. Game five of the 2001 series between the Leafs and the Devils was one of those times.

This was the first game after Tie Domi's elbow had sidelines Scott Niedermayer, and the Devils were vowing revenge. Every hockey columnist on the continent had already agreed on the storyline: Domi's cement-headed cheapshot had robbed the Leafs of their momentum, woken up the sleeping Devils, and all but handed them the series. The Devils were officially the good guys, the Leafs were the hated villains, and game five would be a lesson in hockey karma.

Apparently, somebody forgot to tell Tomas Kaberle.

In the dying seconds of a 2-2 tie, Kaberle managed to sneak one by Martin Brodeur for the game winner. (By "sneak one by", I really mean "shot the puck into a wide open net because Brodeur had been blatantly run over in his crease seconds before", but let's not get picky.)

The Devils would still get their revenge, winning the last two games to take the series in seven. But for one night, at least, Tomas Kaberle and the Leafs gave the hockey world a nice big middle finger to go along with their blindside elbow.


14. Daniel Alfredsson's hit from behind on Darcy Tucker - May 12, 2002

OK, this one will seem like a strange pick. But stay with me.

Until the moment that Daniel Alfredsson blindsided Darcy Tucker (then scored the game-winner seconds later), you couldn't really hate the Ottawa Senators. Oh sure, the "Battle of Ontario" was well into its third playoff matchup in as many years. But it was meaningless rivalry, one that only mattered to insecure Ottawa fans who spent their time hating everything related to Toronto (when they weren't desperately trying to move there).

If you were a Leaf fan, you couldn't hate the Senators. You could feel sorry for them, maybe. You could be bored by them, probably. You could go weeks at a time without even remembering they existed, certainly. But hate them? Why?

Alfredsson provided a reason to, if not "hate" the Senators, at least be mildly annoyed by them. And that made the rest of the decade a lot more fun.



Man, what a cheap shot. I sure hope somebody gets that guy someday.


13. Mark Bell kills Daniel Alfredsson - April 3, 2008

This hit not only served up some long-overdue payback for the Tucker hit, it resulted in the only highlight of Paul Maurice's stint in Toronto: his observation that Senators reacted to the utter destruction of their captain with nothing but "some purse-swinging".

Watch it on youtube
OK, now go watch it again on youtube, you know you want to


12. Darcy Tucker's kamikaze bench dive - April 20, 2004

This is the moment where Darcy Tucker went from "Hey, this guy is crazy in a wacky and fun sort of way" to "Slowly inch away from him while staring at the floor and avoiding sudden movements".



Read more about this moment


11. Sundin and Kaberle beat the Flyers in overtime - April 14, 2003

Much like Green's goal, this one hasn't really stood the test of time as being especially memorable. That said, it has to be on the list just based on the names involved. Mats Sundin executes one of his classic drives to the net, and Tomas Kaberle is in the right place at the right time. The two longest serving (and probably best) Maple Leafs of the decade combine to win a thriller.

Watch it on youtube

Coming early next week: The top ten. Feel free to speculate in the comments, name something I completely forgot about, and make me rewrite the whole thing.




Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Live blogging the Battle of Ontario

I'll be liveblogging tonight's game between the Leafs and Senators over at TheScore.com. Join me, won't you?


Please feel free to jump in, as we discover the answer to questions such as:
  • With Jonas Gustavsson getting the start, will the Senators concede the game prior to introductions or wait until the opening faceoff?

  • Just how depressed will I get when the Monster gives up the opening goal on a 50-foot floater 30 seconds in?

  • Will Chris Neil get his face caved in by:
    a.) Colton Orr
    b.) Jay Rosehill
    c.) Colton Orr and Jay Rosehill; or
    d.) nobody because this will be one of those games where he mysteriously decides his job is to be an "agitator" instead.

  • Will Mikhail Grabovski and Jason Spezza finally play a full shift together and create the fabled Perpetual Neutral Zone Turnover Machine?

  • Wasn't all of this way more fun when Pat Quinn was still alive?
It should be a good time, so please stop by if you're online during the game.

After all, you know how much I love the Battle of Ontario...




Friday, October 2, 2009

2009-2010 Season Preview: The Northeast Division

As we count down the final days leading up to the 2009-10 regular season, let's take a look at each of the 30 teams with the official DGB Season Preview. Today, we conclude the series with a look at the Northeast Division.



Montreal Canadiens

The good: Spent the off-season creating a roster full of dynamic forwards who are perfectly suited to playing a creative, up-tempo offensive system.
The bad: Hired Jacques Martin to coach them.
Biggest question mark: After posting an adequate 2.83 in the regular season and a terrible 4.11 in the playoffs, can Carey Price get keep his "average cigarettes smoked at one time" average under 2.50 this year?
Fearless forecast: Hal Gill suffers a career-ending knee injury due to a series of accidental headbutts from teammates.


Boston Bruins

The good: Are extra-motivated after getting their annual "Winning is everything, unless losing would be slightly cheaper" speech from Jeremy Jacobs
The bad: Mike Komisarek has vowed to continue his feud with Milan Lucic, greatly increasing the likelihood that Lucic will spend time on the injured reserve list with severely bruised knuckles.
Biggest question mark: Will chemistry suffer now that entire team is no longer united by their desire to punch Phil Kessel in the face?
Fearless forecast: With a little luck, will finally be able to get the national sports media to notice Boston.


Buffalo Sabres

The good: Thanks to various off-season moves the Bruins, Leafs, Habs and Senators will be engaged in an intense four-way rivalry all season long, leaving the Sabres free to play without the distraction of anyone remembering they're in this division.
The bad: Are the only franchise in history to have their star player actually prefer playing in Edmonton.
Biggest question mark: Did we ever figure out what's wrong with Ryan Miller's face?
Fearless forecast: Buffalo sports fans will end up having to endure something really terrible, and the rest of us will laugh.


Ottawa Senators

The good: Are coming off one of the best post-season performances in team history.
The bad: Early reports from training camp suggest that Jason Spezza's lazy neutral zone drop passes to the other team don't look quite as crisp this year.
Biggest question mark: How will the team respond to the March firing of whichever coach they hire when Cory Clouston gets fired in November?
Fearless forecast: Top prospect Erik Karlsson will be one of the very best 165 lb defencemen in recent NHL history, according to his tombstone.


Toronto Maple Leafs

The good: For the next few years will have the distinct advantage of not being distracted by any of this "who should we draft with our first round pick?" talk.
The bad: Are paying Mike Komisarek $4.5M a year, which seems like a lot for a penalty box timekeeper.
Biggest question mark: If you punch another player so hard that his brain stem flies into the net, that counts as a goal, right?
Fearless forecast: Brian Burke has built a tough, young, exciting team that has all the pieces to make the playoffs and even contend for the Stanley Cup, unless they lose on opening night to the Habs in which case all is lost and the season is a writeoff.




Tuesday, September 22, 2009

The Top 10 Toronto Maple Leaf fights of all-time

As you may have noticed, the Maple Leafs have finally entered the Brian Burke era. Sure, he's been around since last November, but only now are we seeing a team that plays the sort of game Burke wants. And as you may have noticed, that means the occasional scrap.

So this seems like as good a time as any to take a look back on some of the great fights in the Leafs history. (As always on DGB, "Leafs history" is defined as "from the time I started watching". So we're talking the mid-80s on.)

Let's start the countdown...

10. Wendel Clark vs. Viacheslav Fetisov

So let me get this straight: this fight is going to feature a cowardly Russian who rarely fights, and Wendel Clark. And also, Clark is angry. Hm. Can't imagine how this one will turn out.



Well, look on the bright side Slava. You did better than Cam Neely.

Years later, historians would credit this fight with ending the cold war.
9. Darcy Tucker vs. the Ottawa Senators

When it comes to players on the team you cheer for, there are five stages of crazy:
  1. Hey, I like this guy, he seems a little crazy.
  2. Wow, this guy is completely insane, he's awesome.
  3. You know, this whole "crazy" thing is wearing a little thin.
  4. I'm tired of this guy, he's dangerous and unhinged and I don't enjoy cheering for him.
  5. OH MY GOD HE JUST KAMIKAZIED THE OTHER TEAM'S BENCH, I WANT MY DAUGHTER TO MARRY HIM!



Seriously, the 2003 era Darcy Tucker probably should have been medicated.
8. Wendel Clark vs. Bob Brooke/Wendel Clark vs. David Mackey (tie)

Sorry, it's difficult to choose just one fight for the "Wendel Clark completely killing a Minnesota North Star" category.




Dear god, I miss the Norris division.


7. Mark Bell vs. the Ottawa Senators after the Alfredsson hit.

Oh wait, sorry, that was meant for my upcoming list of "10 Greatest Purse-Swingings".

Instead, let's go with:

7. Wade Belak vs. Cam Janssen

This fight was the much anticipated payback for Janssen's late hit that injured Tomas Kaberle and caused every Leaf on the ice to become intensely interested in their skates. Or, as we now refer to it, "the least truculent moment of all time".



This was also Belak's last great moment as an NHL heavyweight. He now plays for a team called the Nashville Predators, who I can only assume are in the KHL.

6. John Kordic vs. Basil McRae

By my count, Kordic and McRae fought about 700 times during Kordic's time in Toronto, and just about every one looked exactly like this.



(And yes, the entertainment value of fights like this alone should be enough to convince you that Kordic for Courtnall was a good trade. Don't pretend you didn't know I was bringing that up.)

5. Wendel Clark vs. Bob Probert

I always liked Bob Probert. He had his demons, but he seemed like an honorable guy on the ice. This fight was from the famous night when Probert returned to Canada for the first time after resolving his legal problems.


Thankfully, Probert eventually put an end to his personal cycle of self-destructive behaviour. Oh, he kept doing drugs and drinking for a few more years, but he stopped fighting Wendel.

4. Sylvain Lefebvre vs Rob Brown

Here's a tip: if you play for a team that wears black and red, and you wear #44, don't try to fight in Toronto. Isn't that right, Mike Peluso, Patrick Eaves, and especially Rob Brown?



Hm, that was a great clip but I can't help but feel like something was missing. Hmmm...



Much better!

3. Tie Domi vs a fat Flyers fan

Here's an actual transcript of what's going through this fan's mind. "Hey, Domi just sprayed water on me, which technically ends my month-long streak of not bathing! I think I'll bang on the glass and try to look tough when I know he can't reach me. Hm, I wonder if this glass can support 300 lbs of cheesesteak and loneliness? No, apparently it can not. Oh god, I'm going to die. Also, I just soiled myself on national television. Go Flyers!"



Side note: Before this happened, if I told you that an NHL player would have a chance to speed bag a loudmouthed fan but it would be ruined at the last second by an over-eager linesman, you would have just assumed it was Kevin Collins, wouldn't you? Yes you would have.

2. Felix Potvin vs. Ron Hextall

You really had to be a Leafs fan in the mid-90s to understand how ridiculous this fight was. Ron Hextall was the scariest goaltender the league had seen since Billy Smith. Felix Potvin was a mild-mannered kid who, as far as we know, never spoke. When Hextall made his mad dash down the ice, every single Leaf fan was convinced that Potvin was about to die.

And then...



By the way, 1:35 might be my favorite Tie Domi moments of all-time.

Side note: If you're a Leafs fan and you want to feel the urge to slam your head through a windshield, watch this version of the same fight as called by the Flyers play-by-play team who are convinced Hextall has won handily even as he's squirting blood all over the first three rows.

And that brings us to the top spot on our list.

1. Tie Domi vs. Chris Neil

This may seem like a surprising choice, but when you factor in the circumstances I think you'll have to agree that it's deserving of ...

Oh, who am I kidding ...

1. Wendel Clark vs. Marty McSorley



Regular readers will know this was coming. I love this fight so much that I've not only written about it in detail, but I've also written about everything that happened right after it.

I don't have much to add, so I'll just say that if I ever have a son I'm going to name him That-Time-Wendel-Clark-Fought-Marty-McSorley Goes Brown.

That wraps up the list. Join me next week, when I'll be presenting a new list: The Top 100 Fights of the Maple Leafs 2009-10 Pre-Season. (Note: this one may be posted late, it will take some time to narrow it down.)

Honorable Mentions




Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Maple Leafs Overtime Heroes: Gary Roberts vs the Senators

Maple Leafs Overtime Heroes is an ongoing series where we'll look back at memorable Leaf playoff overtime goals. Today's goal is Gary Roberts' triple overtime winner against the Senators in game two of their 2002 playoff series.

In the opening game of their 2002 second round series, the Ottawa Senators handed the Maple Leafs their most lopsided playoff loss of the modern era.

Oh sure, there have been games with a bigger margin of victory than that night's 5-0 Sens win. But anyone who saw the game would know that it could have been much worse. The Senators scored all five goals by the midway mark of the second period, and then shut it down. If they'd wanted to, they could have won 10-0 that night. It was that bad.

So heading into game two, the Leafs were already facing a must-win. With a long list of injured players that included captain Mats Sundin, it would have been all but impossible for Toronto to come back from a 2-0 series deficit. After all, they would be playing the next two games in Ottawa in front of 19,000 rabid fans, almost half of whom would have been cheering for the Senators.

No momentum. No captain. No hope. And no choice but to find some way, any way, to win.

Hmm... what would Gary do?



Let's review the tape:

The goal
Not much to talk about here, since the goal takes exactly two seconds. Let's just saw it's awful, and move on to everything that happens after.

Patrick Lalime's reaction
When we looked at the Mike Foligno overtime goal, I credited Tim Cheveldae with one of the great overtime "losing goaltender sprint off the ice" moves of all-time.

If you've ever wondered why goalies do that, here's Patrick Lalime to show you the alternative. As soon as the goal goes in, he does everything short of put a gun in his mouth.

Now I always thought Lalime got a bad rap from Ottawa fans, since we would have need a GAA of -1.00 to outduel Curtis Joseph or Eddie Belfour. But dear lord, Patrick, pull yourself together and get off the ice. The Sens were a young team, and nothing says "we don't really think we can win" like a goaltender who responds to one bad goal like my two-year-old realizing the Dora DVD has ended.

Of course, Lalime would later top himself in game seven of the 2004 series when he reacted to Joe Nieuwendyk's second goal by slumping to his knees, screaming something, then crawling over the zamboni and wrapping his lips around the tailpipe.

Wade Redden
Still not the worst thing a Senator has
ever put up their nose
Wade Redden
The clearcut highlight of the entire video is the shot at 0:30 of Wade Redden sitting on the bench with his finger up his nose, reacting to the goal by saying something that looks vaguely like "that's freaking great". Don't read lips, kids!

By the way, "Wade Redden sitting on the bench with his finger up his nose" was the title of the New York Rangers 2008-09 year in review DVD.

Ken Dryden clapping
I need to get this off my chest: What the hell was the deal with the way Ken Dryden clapped? This always bothered me. It was always the same: angry face, way too much intensity, hands held uncomfortably high, and just slamming his palms together with no coordination at all.

How is it possible to look so uncool when you're clapping? Are we sure this guy was one of the greatest players of his generation? Is it possible he died in 1999 and the Leafs replaced him in the press box with a badly made life-sized puppet?

Rod Bryden
You're with me, pleather.
Rod Bryden's jacket
I don't even have a punchline.

But I do have questions, such as: Where did he get that jacket? Is there some sort of "custom made novelty leather jacket" store that only rich people have access to? Has anyone other than Rod Bryden and Michael Jackson ever appeared in public wearing a bright red leather jacket? And where is that jacket now, is it for sale, and how much do you want for it?

Walter Gretzky?
Wait, is that Walter Gretzky appearing for a brief moment in a crowd shot? This guy is practically hockey royalty. Quick, everyone be on their best behavior! And for god's sake, don't let the mascot try to hump anything!

Carlton the Beat humping the glass
Yes, OK, so Carlton humps the glass at 2:00. Look folks, he's a bear. He has instincts. If you're going to hire a bear to be part of your game day marketing staff, this is just part of the deal. If the Leafs didn't think that was acceptable behavior, they shouldn't have let him walk around wearing a jersey and no pants.

The Most Obscure Guy in the Pile
I'm launching a new feature: "The Most Obscure Guy in the Pile", where we look at famous celebrations and try to pick out the most insignificant player involved.

Our inaugural winner is... Anders Eriksson! He's the guy wearing #44 and giving Roberts an extended head rub. This completely useless defenceman played 38 career games for the Leafs, recorded no goals and two assists, was once traded for Chris Chelios, and recently won the coveted "Most Swedish Name of All-time" award. There's at least a 90% chance that Roberts has no idea who he is.

Congratulations, Anders! Now get off the ice. And, um, you may not want to brush up against the glass on your way out.




Saturday, June 13, 2009

Hossa and Heatley: the NHL's two biggest losers

Raise your hand if you're
an overpaid goal-suck.


Wow, that guy up there is a dick.
What do Dany Heatley and Marian Hossa have in common?

Four things come to mind:
  • They're both in the news this weekend
  • They were once traded for each other
  • They were both responsible for tragic, careless accidents that we've all apparently agreed to never mention under any circumstances
  • They're both losers.
Let's look at Hossa first. As everyone knows by now, Hossa was part of last year's Cup losing Penguins squad, turned down a big offer so he could jump ship to Detroit because he thought they had a better chance of winning, then lost against last night to the same Pens team he snubbed. In other words, he might want to check if his Magic Eight Ball is still under warranty.

Hossa's failure to win means one of hockey's strangest facts still holds true: the Senators have never drafted a player who has won a Stanley Cup. Anywhere. Ever. (Update: Except for Stan Neckar? See comments.)

They're at 0-for-151 and counting. Even the Leafs, a team known for screwing up all those rare draft picks that they didn't trade away for senior citizens, have managed to pick at least three four Cup winners since the Sens joined the league.

Three is the loneliest number

At the end of game seven, I wondered via Twitter if Hossa was the only player from the game who wouldn't have a Cup ring. A few folks pointed out that Ty Conklin and Jonathan Ericsson would also fall into the category.

So there you have it. Out of forty players from last night's game, three went home without a championship on their resume: a rookie, a backup goalie, and a veteran superstar who chooses his team based on whoever he thinks has the best chance at winning. I'm not sure if that should make Hossa feel better or worse.

One thing you can say in Hossa's defence: at least he's a loser against his will. At least he wants to win. Which is more that we can say about Dany Heatley.

Yes, Heatley. The guy who was perfectly happy playing under coaches like Craig Hartsburg and John Paddock even though the team was awful. After all, he was getting his ice time, racking up the stats, and being coddled by coaches who certainly weren't going to ask him to do anything crazy like play defence or actually work hard.

Then along comes Cory Clouston. Now, Clouston's winning record in the second half of the season is over-hyped (the Sens didn't face an actual starting goalie after November). But he deserves credit for at least trying to demand some accountability from Ottawa's notorious band of primadonnas. Apparently, that was just too much for Heatley to handle.

And while the rift with Clouston has been the big news, apparently there's more to Heatley's unhappiness. According to GM Bryan Murray, Heatley felt that "being questioned by the media wasn't fair, so I was told".

Let's take a second to digest that: Dany Heatley can't handle the Ottawa hockey media. The glee club. The pom-pom brigade. The group that does everything but form a human pyramid in the press box.

Brennan comes clean

Even the Sens' head cheerleader, Don Brennan, admitted as much earlier this week, saying that once Heatley was gone he'd "long for the day he was back in Ottawa, where for various reasons he was an object around which a lot of tip-toeing was done."

If Heatley can't handle Ottawa, how's he going to do in a market where the media is actually allowed to get critical? As Brennan rightly points out, "Toronto Sun columnist Steve Simmons would make Heatley cry like a schoolgirl".

Since it's virtually impossible to find a team with a more homer-ish media than Ottawa, Heatley will apparently just need to find a city where hockey gets no coverage at all. So that narrows his choices down to just, oh, two-thirds of the western conference.

For once, Sens fans really do have something to cry about

It's almost impossible to feel bad for Senators fans, a notoriously insecure group of front-runners who fundamentally misunderstand their place in the hockey world. But in this case, you have to offer up some sympathy. Dany Heatley stabbed them all in the back, and now they're going to have to watch Murray make a three-quarters-for-a-dollar trade just to get rid of him.

(And just wait until he starts using his NTC to veto potential deals...)

So here's a little tip for Marian Hossa, a soon-to-be-UFA who'll be able to once again pick whichever team he thinks has the best chance of winning next year: Wait until Heatley is traded before you sign.

That way, you'll have at least one team you can definitely cross off your list of contenders.




Thursday, June 4, 2009

Rating the intros: Five classic Maple Leafs montages

Lots of talk this week about the CBC's opening montage before Game One of the Cup finals. Set to a tune by Coldplay, it featured backwards video clips of various Pens and Wings. Most people liked it. Some didn't.

I thought it was a cool idea, with one major flaw: Not enough Leafs. Then again, I've felt the same way about the last 41 Cup finals.

I'll admit that I'm a huge sucker for pre-game musical montages. And Hockey Night in Canada has consistently done some of the very best.

A great pre-game montage has the following:

  • An inspired musical choice. Any genre will do, but the song has to fit.
  • Some sort of opening shot that sets the tone without actually showing anybody playing hockey
  • Quick cuts of various players, including at least one who looks like their face ran into a grain thresher
  • Enough highlights (goals, hits, fights, etc) to make you think these two teams are part of the greatest rivalry in sports history
  • At least one clip that matches up exactly with the song lyrics
  • Some sort of dramatic closing shot.
Let's take a look at five memorable Maple Leaf montages and see how they stack up.
Leafs vs. Senators, Game Seven, 2002
Music: "Defy You" by The Offspring. Not terrible, but kind of cliched. 5/10. Opening scenes: Each team walking the hallway on the way to the ice. 6/10. Beat-up face: Tie Domi, freshly stiched-up after the infamous Ricard Persson hit. 10/10. Rivalry shots: Plenty, including every possible combination of Leaf and Sen players going nose-to-nose. 8/10. Matching lyrics: "You may throw me down", right as a Leaf gets thrown to the ice. 6/10. Closing shot: Shayne Corson and Marion Hossa leaning into a faceoff. I'm assuming this is from the regular season, because I actually noticed Hossa. 9/10. Intangibles: Fading into the live crowd audio in the second half was a cool touch. 8/10. Bottom line: 7/10. Not bad. Not bad at all.
Leafs vs. Senators, Game Seven, 2004
Music: "Not Ready To Go" by The Trews. Pretty close to a perfect choice. 9/10. Opening scenes: Pretty standard shots, except for a neat one of a rolling puck. 5/10. Beat-up face: Darcy Tucker sporting a smirk and a shiner. Honorable mention to John "Dag-nabbit!" Muckler. 7/10 Rivalry shots: Some good ones here. And check out the badass shot of Roberts at 0:32. 8/10. Matching lyrics: Pretty much every shot in the video (seriously). But bonus points for "I should be leaving" right as Mats Sundin limps out of the series. 9/10. Closing shot: The Senators celebrating wildly while the singer vows "I'm not ready to go". 10/10 (for ironic foreshadowing). Intangibles: What's with the red/blue filter that keeps fading in and out? 2/10. Bottom line: 8/10. I like this one a little better than the 2002 version.
Leafs vs. Sharks, Game Seven, 1994
Music: "No Limits", by whoever it was that did "No Limits". 1/10. Opening scenes: Jaws music, bad shark clipart, and Don Cherry. 3/10. Beat-up face: The giant-headed Doug Gilmour thing dancing next to Cherry. 2/10. Rivalry shots: A surprising number of decent shots, including a scrap. Not bad for two teams that never played each other. 5/10. Matching lyrics: "Won't give up the fight" right as the Leafs score the game six OT winner to extend the series. 8/10. Closing shot: Some Shark scoring a goal. 3/10. Intangibles: This one is only lasts 1:25, which is only about 90 seconds too long. 3/10. Bottom line: 3/10. Let's never speak of this again.
Leafs vs. Hawks, Game One, 1994
Music: "Dreamer", by Supertramp. I know, I know. But watch... somehow, it works. 8/10. Opening scenes: A supercool extended shot of Chris Chelios shooting the puck at a cameraman. 9/10. Beat-up face: Doug Gilmour getting a face wash from a linesman. 5/10. Rivalry shots: They come pretty much non-stop, including Wendel Clark backing down just about every player on the Hawks roster. Not enough fights, though. 8/10. Matching lyrics: "Well you know... you had... it coming to you" as Wendel chases Jeff Shantz around before finally popping him in the mouth. 9/10. Closing shot: Wendel Clark and Chris Chelios fading into the Stanley Cup. 9/10. Intangibles: Seriously, CBC knows the Leafs had more players than Wendel Clark in 1994, right? 10/10. Bottom line: 9/10. Almost perfect.
Leafs vs. Kings, Game Seven, 1993
Music: The theme from the movie "Hoosiers". Genius. 10/10. Opening scenes: Felix Potvin talking to his goalposts. 6/10. Beat-up face: A tie: Doug Gilmour's bleeding face thanks to Wayne Gretzky, and Marty McSorley's crater-sized shiner courtesy Wendel Clark. 10/10. Rivalry shots: Nothing fancy, but most of the main highlights are here. 7/10. Matching lyrics: None, since there are no lyrics. But check out the mini-montage of the Gilmour hit at 1:18 right as the music hits its crescendo. Goosebump time. 9/10. Closing shot: Gretzky doing his little happy dance after this OT goal. Hey, why is his stick blade all red? 8/10. Intangibles: The weird Kings fan with the painted face dancing at 0:25. 8/10. Bottom line: 10/10. A masterpiece. The montage by which all others must be judged.




Monday, June 1, 2009

Bob Gainey interviews Jacques Martin: The secret transcript


Second round? Never heard of it.
The Montreal Canadiens have named Jacques Martin as their new head coach. And while this announcement has caught many off guard, it's no surprise to my top-secret DGB sources who tipped me off about it over the weekend.

In fact, I was able to obtain a full recording of Martin's interview with Montreal GM Bob Gainey. I think this explosive transcript will shed a lot of light on how Martin managed to land one of the most coveted jobs in sports.

Bob Gainey: Jacques, I want to thank you for coming in for this interview. Do you have any other commitments on your time today? As you can imagine, the interview process can be quite daunting for a job as prestigious as this one.

Jacques Martin: No problem, I'm willing to spend all day here if I need to.

Gainey: OK, great. First question: do you speak French?

Martin: Yes I do.

Gainey: Great. You're hired!

Martin: ... Um, sorry?

Gainey: You're hired. You nailed pretty much every qualification we have.

Martin: Oh.

Gainey: Is there a problem?

Martin: I just thought we were going to spend some time talking about my experience.

Gainey: Oh. Well, sure, I suppose we could do that. If you really want to.

Martin: Well, my coaching career began with the Blues. Then I spent nine years as the coach of the Ottawa Senators. And for the past five years I've been with the Florida Panthers.

Gainey: I don't remember you coaching the Blues.

Martin: Nobody does.

Gainey: OK, so let's skip that part and move on to Ottawa.

Martin: Well, with the Senators I was best known for accomplishing something that virtually no other active NHL coach has managed to do.

Gainey: Which was?

Martin: Losing to the Toronto Maple Leafs in the playoffs.

Gainey (nodding): Yeah, I think we all saw that one coming.

Martin: We lost to them four times, but the toughest one was in 2004. We made it to game seven, but then Patrick Lalime had an epic meltdown. We really believed that he was the guy who could backstop our team to a championship, but then he just imploded.

Gainey: So you're saying you have experience dealing with over-hyped goalies who choke in the playoffs?

Martin: Extensive experience.

Gainey: (Makes a big checkmark on his notepad)

Martin: Yeah.

Gainey: And what about your playoff experience since 2004?

Martin: You heard the part where I said I worked for the Florida Panthers, right?

Gainey: Sorry. My mistake. What about in St. Louis, what was your playoff record like there?

Martin: No idea. Like I said, nobody remembers me coaching the Blues.

Gainey: Fair enough. As you know, the media here in Montreal can be difficult. What sort of experience do you have dealing with the media?

Martin: Well, in Ottawa they were very difficult to deal with. They were constantly asking me for autographs, bringing me coffee, or just offering me random hugs and back rubs. But they could be nasty, too. Sometimes, when we choked in the playoffs against a team we should have easily beaten, somebody would actually write a negative article. They'd always apologize the next day and print a retraction, but still, it was pretty rough.

Gainey: And what about dealing with all the hockey media in Florida, was that difficult?

Martin: (Laughs)

Gainey: (Laughs)

Martin: So anyways, I'm sure I could handle the Montreal media. I have a well-tested strategy for working with the press.

Gainey: Which is?

Martin: I'm so incredibly boring that they all quit after fifteen minutes of listening to me.

Gainey: Well Jacques, I think you're our man. Do you have any questions for me?

Martin: Just one: Any update on the ownership situation?

Gainey: We're expecting an announcement soon, but I can't really say more than that.

Martin: Understood.

Gainey: You like Celine Dion music, right?

Martin: Um...




Thursday, April 9, 2009

The Top 10 Dumbest Moments in the Battle of Ontario

On Saturday, the Leafs and Senators will end their seasons with a head-to-head matchup. The game will feature a pair of terrible teams, little or no intensity, and two fan bases who will be secretly hoping their team loses for a better draft spot.

What better way to end another installment of the most over-rated rivalry in hockey?

While any fan can see that the Battle of Ontario is dying, the truth is that it was never much to get excited over in the first place. The Sens always win in the regular season, the Leafs always win in the playoffs, and every incident that showed the slightest hint of bad blood was immediately ruined by horrified cries for everyone involved to be suspended.

The rivalry has featured a handful of legitimately memorable moments, such as Alfredsson's hit from behind, a pair of game sevens, and Gary Roberts killing and eating anyone who looked at him sideways. But the honest truth is that it's been much more likely to feature cringe-inducing moments of embarrassment and stupidity.

While it took some work, I've managed to narrow the list down to a top ten. So here they are, the Dumbest Moments in the History of the Battle of Ontario.

#10 - McCabe vs. Chara

Sens fans are unanimous in their love for the famous Youtube clip of the massive Zdeno Chara rag-dolling a helpless Bryan McCabe. It's basically their "All Heart" video. And let's face it, Leaf fans started to enjoy it too once they turned on McCabe in recent years. In fact, it's quite possible that this is the most famous one-on-one fight in Battle of Ontario history.



Here's the problem: it was pretty much the worst fight ever. Nobody threw a punch. The referees didn't even hand out fighting majors. And while people forget this now, Chara ended up missing time because he wrenched his back flinging McCabe around.

That's right, the most famous fight in this so-called rivalry involved no punches, and the guy who won hurt himself. Ladies and gentlemen, the Battle of Ontario!

#9 - The jersey bylaw

Frustrated with the way that Toronto fans continually took over the building every time the Leafs came to town to play the Senators, Ottawa city council passed a bylaw in 2004 that banned the wearing of Maple Leafs jerseys at the Corel Center. That would be one of the funniest lines I've ever written, except that it's true.

While the rule was meant to be "tongue-in-cheek", Ottawa city council still took the time to make it an official order. Leaf fans who wore their jerseys to the game would be "fined" a canned food donation, with proceeds going to the Ottawa food bank.

Toronto city council considered passing a retaliatory motion that would similarly fine anyone wearing a Senators jersey at the ACC, before realizing that the Toronto food back didn't really need three cans of food.

Instead, the Maple Leafs themselves stepped up with a $5,000 donation to the Ottawa food bank, and invited the Senators to match that with a donation of their own to the Toronto food bank. Nobody can find any evidence that the Senators ever did.

#8 - Every regular season game between 2002 and 2007

There were two things you could count on every single time the Leafs and Senators played each other during this stretch: The Senators would win 8-1, and every Senator fan would immediately declare that this meaningless regular season win made up for all the playoff losses.

The only exception to this rule was the opening game of the 2005 season, when in an act of abject cruelty the Senators intentionally let the game stay tied so that Leaf fans would be forced to watch Jason Allison's shootout attempt.

#7 - Tucker vs. Eaves

In October 2006, midway through one of those Senator blowout victories, Darcy Tucker got into a fight with Patrick Eaves. While Eaves wasn't much of a fighter, he did his best. In the end he ate a few rights, shrugged his shoulders and skated to the penalty box.



End of story? No, of course not, because this is the Battle of Ontario and every minor scuffle has to result in the Senators calling for a suspension. So Ottawa fans, coaches and media spent two days sobbing about how awful it was for Tucker to pick on a poor defenseless player who, after all, was only two inches and fifteen pounds bigger than him.

The Senators, most notably Chris Neil, spent the next 48 hours telling any reporter within earshot that Eaves would be avenged. In doing so, Neil repeatedly reminded everyone of how badly Eaves had been pummelled. Sure, by the end of it Eaves looked like he wanted to hang himself, but it made Chris Neil look good and that was really the entire point all along.

When the teams met for the highly anticipated rematch two night later, Neil lined up across from Tucker on the opening faceoff, leaned in and ... said something to him.

That's it. That's the end of the story.

Nothing else happened the rest of the game. After two days of swearing revenge into any TV camera he could find, Chris Neil gave Darcy Tucker a stern talking to and then called it a night.

Word is that if that hadn't worked, the Sens were going to have Brian McGrattan write Tucker a strongly worded letter.

#6 - Cory Cross scoring an overtime goal

When Cory Cross is scoring overtime goals, your rivalry sucks.

#5 - "We're Gonna Kill 'Em!"

In 2004, the Leafs and Senators were set to meet in a deciding game seven. With tensions high and nationwide media attention focused on the series, rookie Senators owner Eugene Melnyk decided it would be a great idea to publicly guarantee an easy win.

"We're going to kill 'em," Melnyk told the Toronto Star. "We're going to go in there and beat them on their own ice in front of their fans!"

Now, it was one thing when Daniel Alfredsson guaranteed that the Sens would win the series after a game five loss. After all, Alfredsson made guarantees that didn't come true all the time. And at least he was a player, meaning he could have some impact on the game's outcome. (He didn't, of course, because it was a game seven and he's a Senator. But he theoretically could have.)

Melnyk was different. Here was some guy in a suit running his mouth in a cheap bid for media attention. What did he think he was, an Ottawa city councillor?

After the Leafs were done curb-stomping the Senators in game seven, Tie Domi thanked for Melnyk for providing the Leafs with extra motivation. For his part, Melnyk learned a valuable lesson and didn't get into any more trouble for advocating killing until this year, when he suggested that any Sens fan who was unhappy with the team's miserable season should strap a bomb to themselves.

#4 - Domi vs. Arverdson

In a late season game in 2003, Tie Domi became involved in an altercation with the Sens' Magnus Arverdson. A frustrated Domi eventually punched Arverdson in the face with a gloved hand, at which point Daniel Alfredsson attempted to swing his stick like a baseball bat at Domi's head.

Hey, I'll bet you can't guess which one of them got suspended!

The league banned Domi for three games, largely based on the news that Arverdson had been diagnosed with a concussion and a broken nose. After the suspension was announced Arverdson miraculously recovered and played in the Senators' next game without any facial protection, while everyone agreed to just never mention his "injuries" ever again.

This incident is notable for two things: it happened in the same game that saw Darcy Tucker dive into the Sens bench (a moment that will not make this list because, well, it was awesome), and it resulted in one of the great Nick Kypreos moments of all-time:



#3 - Joseph vs. McGeough

The Leafs and Senators met for the first time in the playoffs in 2000. After the Leafs won the first two games at home, the series shifted to Ottawa.

With five minutes left in a tight game, the Senators scored a goal on a play which saw Daniel Alfredsson appear to trip up Curtis Joseph. Referee Mick McGeough correctly ruled that because it was the post-season Alfredsson could cheat as much as he wanted to without being called, and the goal stood.

An incensed Joseph charged into the corner to argue but lost his balance and crashed to the ice instead, taking McGeough down with him. The collision was clearly accidental and, it goes without saying, completely hysterical -- especially the part where Joseph has to stop to ask if McGeough is OK before half-heartedly resuming his tirade.



How did Sens fans react? Say it with me, children: by calling for a suspension!

Even though McGeough himself said the collision was accidental and the league took no action, Sens fans insist to this day that Joseph "attacked" McGeough. The reality, of course, is Joseph didn't attack anything other his own dignity by proving that he couldn't skate fifteen feet without falling all over himself.

#2 - Chiarelli vs. Neale & Cole

If you live outside of Ottawa then it goes without saying that you've never heard of Bob Chiarelli, but he was the mayor of Ottawa for ten years. As far as spotlight-hogging mayors go, Chiarelli could best be described as "Mel Lastman without the charisma". And like everyone who lives in Ottawa, he spent most of his time unsuccessfully trying to get people in Toronto to notice him.

In 2001, the CBC assigned Bob Cole and Harry Neale to call the Leafs/Sens series. Aware that Ottawa fans hate Bob Cole, and realizing that a playoff series against Toronto meant that somebody might actually pay attention to the Senators for once, Chiarelli decided to make himself the story.

Chiarelli went to the local media and announced that Cole and Neale were "Maple Leaf homers". The idea was apparently that Chiarelli would earn some local brownie points and a little national attention, Cole and Neale would play along, and eventually both sides would bury the hatchet at around the same time that the heavily favored Sens wrapped up the series.

Instead, Neale's public response to Chiarelli was, and this a real quote: "Take a big bite out of my ass". This made for the second best soundbite in Battle of Ontario history, trailing "boo hoo" but coming in slightly ahead of "there were a couple of purse-swingings". And then the Leafs swept Ottawa.

Bob Chiarelli has literally never been heard from again.

#1 - The Stick Throw

It takes a really dumb moment to be the dumbest in the entire history of this dumb rivalry. And good god, this moment was dumb.

Midway through the 2004 season, Leafs captain Mats Sundin was suspended one game for throwing a broken stick into the stands. He missed a game against Ottawa, and during that game Daniel Alfredsson famously mocked Sundin when his own stick broke by pretending to throw it into the stands before dropping it on the ice instead.

If you read that paragraph and thought to yourself "That sounds unbelievably boring", then you're apparently not a Toronto or Ottawa fan. No, to the average Leafs and Sens fans, the series of events I just described are the most controversial thing that has ever happened.

Leaf fans were outraged that Alfredsson would dare mock to Sundin. Ignoring the fact that it was a joke, a playful jab from one friend at another, Leaf fans have booed Alfredsson every time he's touched the puck ever since. (Note: Leaf fans now pretend that booing Alfredsson started after his hit from behind on Tucker in the 2002 playoffs. They're lying.)

For their part, Ottawa fans defended Alfredsson. They were right to do so, but since this involves the Leafs, Sens fans had to go completely overboard. To this day, every Ottawa Senators fan insists that Alfredsson's fake stick throw is the funniest thing that anyone has ever done, ever. Not just in hockey -- anywhere. If you ask a Senators fans to create a Mount Rushmore of comic genius, it will include George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Lenny Bruce and Daniel Alfredsson pretending to throw his broken stick.

Seriously, the next time you find yourself talking to a Leafs fan and a Sens fan at the same time, casually mention the Alfredsson stick throw. The Leafs fan will start ranting like Christian Bale, while the Sens fan immediately starts fake-laughing like Arsenio Hall circa 1991.

At that point, you have my permission to pull out a gun and shoot both of them.

Honorable mentions: Tom Barasso swearing live on Hockey Night in Canada, Domi vs McGrattan, Ron Wilson calling for a stick measurement, the Flu Game, the "Dandyman" getting fired for making jokes about spousal abuse, Pat Quinn pretending he didn't know the names of any Senator players, "if Tie Domi had better balance we'd have won".

If I missed any, it's probably because I've blocked them out. Let me know if the comments and I'll add them.