Seven signs that your team is not winning Game Seven

A seasoned hockey fan knows how to look for the subtle signs that a team is headed to victory: The steely look of determination in a captain's eye... the small but crucial lift provided by a raucous home crowd... the calming confidence of a veteran coach...

Then again, sometimes the signs point to a devastating defeat. And as a Leafs fan, that's sort of my specialty.

So Wings and Pens fans, I want to help. After all, if you're team is going to lose the biggest game they'll ever play, you might as well know in advance. So here are seven subtle signs to watch for on Friday night to alert you that your team just might not be winning the Cup.

Penguin fans

Your team is probably not winning Game Seven if you notice that...

• Sidney Crosby is playing so poorly that Pierre McGuire has stopped blowing him, and is now merely dry-humping him.
  
  
• The announcers repeatedly describe Marc-Andrew Fleury as being in "WJC gold medal game form".
  
  
• Eklund just posted that his inside sources tell him that the Penguins are winning.
  
  
• Detroit is so far ahead that Red Wings fans have actually shut up with their inane Gary Bettman conspiracy theories for five god damned minutes.
  
  
• During pre-game skate, Red Wing players appear extra motivated by moving locker room plea to "Go out there and win one for Nik Lidstrom's testicle".
  
  
• One of your so-called veteran leaders let himself be photographed next to a sign mocking the other team. No, just kidding, nobody would be that dumb.
  
  
• The game turns out to be one of those flukey contests where the winner is decided purely based on which team has better hockey players.

Red Wing fans

Your team is probably not winning Game Seven if you notice that...

• For some strange reason, tonight Pascal Dupuis is playing on Crosby's line, is having the game of his life, and looks suspiciously like a slightly overweight Mario Lemeiux.
  
  
• Due to tough economic times, traditional "octopus" thrown on the ice appears to actually be two house cats staple-gunned together.
  
  
• As the clock ticks down, excited Penguin teammates can be seen explaining to former Maple Leaf Hal Gill what the "Stanley Cup" is.
  
  
• The official Cup engraver can be seen wandering the hallways asking if anyone knows how to spell "Goligoski".
  
  
• Announcers mention that prior to taking the ice, the Wings received a fiery pre-game motivational speech from Matt Millen.
  
  
• Puck Daddy's Greg Wyshynski is busy working on a post acknowledging that the Penguins might be almost as good as the Capitals.
  
  
• During the third period, Marion Hossa is sitting in the press box negotiating a new contract with the Penguins.

DGB vs. Hockeenight, round two

Just a quick note that I've been invited back for another appearance on the Hockeeight Puckcast tonight, courtesy our friends at the Chicago Blackhawks blog Hockeeenight.

Last time I was on, we spent three minutes talking about the current season and 57 minutes arguing about Bryan Marchment and the reminisching about the Norris Division days. When the full podcast is available, I'll post a link here.

Update: We ended up talking for almost 90 minutes. Topics covered include:

• Dany Heatley for Brian Campbell?
  
• The Leafs draft plans
  
• With Hamilton get a team?
  
• Fighting: Why fans like it, why the media doesn't get it, why Cam Russell always lost to anyone wearing a Maple Leaf
  
• Are playoff coaches and fans getting whinier?
  
• Me re-using the exact same moustache joke that I broke out the first time I was on their show

Here's the recording.



In the meantime, here are some clips of the Leafs beating and/or beating up the Blackhawks.

Dumb Moments in Hockey: Players who point at the stands on a delay of game call

Yes, actually I did
know that rule, thanks.

This is the first post in a new series that will celebrate those small moments in any given NHL game that often pass unnoticed, but are nevertheless completely dumb.

There are two problems with the NHL's "puck over the glass" delay of game rule.

The first is that it's a complete farce of a penalty, one invented out of thin air by a league that has no clue how to improve the flow of the five-on-five game and so relies on made-up penalties to artificially inflate scoring through powerplays. The puck-over-the-glass rule doesn't solve an existing problem, utterly fails in it stated goal of speeding up the game, and occasionally determines the outcome of critical contests absent even the slightest illusion of fairness. It's a complete sham, yet another stain on the credibility of a league that has squandered that asset almost completely.

The second, and far more important problem, is that it annoys me.

And here's why: somewhere along the way, this stupid rule managed to become the only infraction in the rulebook that every NHL player thinks the referee needs their personal assistance with.

You've seen the scene unfold a hundred time. A player in his own zone tries to clear a puck, gets under it a little bit, and accidentally flips the puck into the crowd. Immediately, every single player on the other team seeks out the nearest referee and begins madly pointing at the stands.

Why?

What do they think they're accomplishing? Has there ever been a case where a referee has looked back with a confused look on his face to ask if anything was the matter, only to smack his forehead V8-style and then thank the players for reminding him about the rule?

No. Not one single time. Nobody forgets this rule. We all know it, because it's burned into our minds, because it's stupid.

Look, an NHL referee is not going to just somehow forget to enforce a rule that's right there in the rulebook, in black and white, crystal clear for all to see. That's Colin Campbell's job.

And yet somehow, players feel the need help the referees make this call. Why?

When one player trips an opponent, do five guys immediately feel the need to point to the offender while seeking out a referee? When a player makes an extra move at the blue line and causes a teammate to skate in ahead of him, does the other team immediately point at him to remind the linesman to call an offside? When a Montreal Canadien forward pursues a defenceman on an icing call, do his teammates immediately start signaling the five-minute boarding major that's just seconds away?

No. It's just this one penalty, in the entirety of the NHL rulebook, that the players feel the need to help out with.

Well, I want the league to put a stop to it. Forget head shots, this is the sort of the thing the rules committee needs to be focusing on. And luckily, there's a simple solution.

I'm proposing a new rule: Unless your team has just scored a goal, it's a two-minute penalty for raising your arms over your shoulders.

Think about. When do we see a player's arm go up? Three situations:

• Pointing at a puck over the glass.
  
• Whining dramatically about some obviously correct call the referee just made against you (a.k.a, "The McCabe").
  
• Feigning innocence over a holding or hooking call, as if to say "I couldn't possibly have been holding, because my hands are way up here over my head!" (a.k.a. "The Other McCabe").

Would anyone object if all those things just became automatic penalties? Exactly. Players would just need to learn to instinctively keep their arms down. Maybe they could pretend that they're Kerry Fraser during a crucial overtime.

If anything, it would at least change the idiotic puck-over-glass rule from being a senseless and random game-changing penalty, and into a strategic element. Game not going your way? Flip a puck over the glass, and see how many guys on the other team you can send to the box. If it's a good flip, you may get all five.

Hell, chances are that as soon as one team started pointing, the other team would start pointing at them to remind the referee of the new penalty. With any luck, it could set off a chain reaction that would result in all 18 skaters on either side being sent off.

And you know what that means: one-on-one goalie battles. That's excitement. And not one iota dumber than the current rule.

I'm drunk, by the way.

Rating the intros: Five classic Maple Leafs montages

Lots of talk this week about the CBC's opening montage before Game One of the Cup finals. Set to a tune by Coldplay, it featured backwards video clips of various Pens and Wings. Most people liked it. Some didn't.

I thought it was a cool idea, with one major flaw: Not enough Leafs. Then again, I've felt the same way about the last 41 Cup finals.

I'll admit that I'm a huge sucker for pre-game musical montages. And Hockey Night in Canada has consistently done some of the very best.

A great pre-game montage has the following:

• An inspired musical choice. Any genre will do, but the song has to fit.
  
• Some sort of opening shot that sets the tone without actually showing anybody playing hockey
  
• Quick cuts of various players, including at least one who looks like their face ran into a grain thresher
  
• Enough highlights (goals, hits, fights, etc) to make you think these two teams are part of the greatest rivalry in sports history
  
• At least one clip that matches up exactly with the song lyrics
  
• Some sort of dramatic closing shot.

Let's take a look at five memorable Maple Leaf montages and see how they stack up.

---

Leafs vs. Senators, Game Seven, 2002

Music: "Defy You" by The Offspring. Not terrible, but kind of cliched. 5/10. Opening scenes: Each team walking the hallway on the way to the ice. 6/10. Beat-up face: Tie Domi, freshly stiched-up after the infamous Ricard Persson hit. 10/10. Rivalry shots: Plenty, including every possible combination of Leaf and Sen players going nose-to-nose. 8/10. Matching lyrics: "You may throw me down", right as a Leaf gets thrown to the ice. 6/10. Closing shot: Shayne Corson and Marion Hossa leaning into a faceoff. I'm assuming this is from the regular season, because I actually noticed Hossa. 9/10. Intangibles: Fading into the live crowd audio in the second half was a cool touch. 8/10. Bottom line: 7/10. Not bad. Not bad at all.

---

Leafs vs. Senators, Game Seven, 2004

Music: "Not Ready To Go" by The Trews. Pretty close to a perfect choice. 9/10. Opening scenes: Pretty standard shots, except for a neat one of a rolling puck. 5/10. Beat-up face: Darcy Tucker sporting a smirk and a shiner. Honorable mention to John "Dag-nabbit!" Muckler. 7/10 Rivalry shots: Some good ones here. And check out the badass shot of Roberts at 0:32. 8/10. Matching lyrics: Pretty much every shot in the video (seriously). But bonus points for "I should be leaving" right as Mats Sundin limps out of the series. 9/10. Closing shot: The Senators celebrating wildly while the singer vows "I'm not ready to go". 10/10 (for ironic foreshadowing). Intangibles: What's with the red/blue filter that keeps fading in and out? 2/10. Bottom line: 8/10. I like this one a little better than the 2002 version.

---

Leafs vs. Sharks, Game Seven, 1994

Music: "No Limits", by whoever it was that did "No Limits". 1/10. Opening scenes: Jaws music, bad shark clipart, and Don Cherry. 3/10. Beat-up face: The giant-headed Doug Gilmour thing dancing next to Cherry. 2/10. Rivalry shots: A surprising number of decent shots, including a scrap. Not bad for two teams that never played each other. 5/10. Matching lyrics: "Won't give up the fight" right as the Leafs score the game six OT winner to extend the series. 8/10. Closing shot: Some Shark scoring a goal. 3/10. Intangibles: This one is only lasts 1:25, which is only about 90 seconds too long. 3/10. Bottom line: 3/10. Let's never speak of this again.

---

Leafs vs. Hawks, Game One, 1994

Music: "Dreamer", by Supertramp. I know, I know. But watch... somehow, it works. 8/10. Opening scenes: A supercool extended shot of Chris Chelios shooting the puck at a cameraman. 9/10. Beat-up face: Doug Gilmour getting a face wash from a linesman. 5/10. Rivalry shots: They come pretty much non-stop, including Wendel Clark backing down just about every player on the Hawks roster. Not enough fights, though. 8/10. Matching lyrics: "Well you know... you had... it coming to you" as Wendel chases Jeff Shantz around before finally popping him in the mouth. 9/10. Closing shot: Wendel Clark and Chris Chelios fading into the Stanley Cup. 9/10. Intangibles: Seriously, CBC knows the Leafs had more players than Wendel Clark in 1994, right? 10/10. Bottom line: 9/10. Almost perfect.

---

Leafs vs. Kings, Game Seven, 1993

Music: The theme from the movie "Hoosiers". Genius. 10/10. Opening scenes: Felix Potvin talking to his goalposts. 6/10. Beat-up face: A tie: Doug Gilmour's bleeding face thanks to Wayne Gretzky, and Marty McSorley's crater-sized shiner courtesy Wendel Clark. 10/10. Rivalry shots: Nothing fancy, but most of the main highlights are here. 7/10. Matching lyrics: None, since there are no lyrics. But check out the mini-montage of the Gilmour hit at 1:18 right as the music hits its crescendo. Goosebump time. 9/10. Closing shot: Gretzky doing his little happy dance after this OT goal. Hey, why is his stick blade all red? 8/10. Intangibles: The weird Kings fan with the painted face dancing at 0:25. 8/10. Bottom line: 10/10. A masterpiece. The montage by which all others must be judged.

Bob Gainey interviews Jacques Martin: The secret transcript

Second round? Never heard of it.

The Montreal Canadiens have named Jacques Martin as their new head coach. And while this announcement has caught many off guard, it's no surprise to my top-secret DGB sources who tipped me off about it over the weekend.

In fact, I was able to obtain a full recording of Martin's interview with Montreal GM Bob Gainey. I think this explosive transcript will shed a lot of light on how Martin managed to land one of the most coveted jobs in sports.

Bob Gainey: Jacques, I want to thank you for coming in for this interview. Do you have any other commitments on your time today? As you can imagine, the interview process can be quite daunting for a job as prestigious as this one.

Jacques Martin: No problem, I'm willing to spend all day here if I need to.

Gainey: OK, great. First question: do you speak French?

Martin: Yes I do.

Gainey: Great. You're hired!

Martin: ... Um, sorry?

Gainey: You're hired. You nailed pretty much every qualification we have.

Martin: Oh.

Gainey: Is there a problem?

Martin: I just thought we were going to spend some time talking about my experience.

Gainey: Oh. Well, sure, I suppose we could do that. If you really want to.

Martin: Well, my coaching career began with the Blues. Then I spent nine years as the coach of the Ottawa Senators. And for the past five years I've been with the Florida Panthers.

Gainey: I don't remember you coaching the Blues.

Martin: Nobody does.

Gainey: OK, so let's skip that part and move on to Ottawa.

Martin: Well, with the Senators I was best known for accomplishing something that virtually no other active NHL coach has managed to do.

Gainey: Which was?

Martin: Losing to the Toronto Maple Leafs in the playoffs.

Gainey (nodding): Yeah, I think we all saw that one coming.

Martin: We lost to them four times, but the toughest one was in 2004. We made it to game seven, but then Patrick Lalime had an epic meltdown. We really believed that he was the guy who could backstop our team to a championship, but then he just imploded.

Gainey: So you're saying you have experience dealing with over-hyped goalies who choke in the playoffs?

Martin: Extensive experience.

Gainey: (Makes a big checkmark on his notepad)

Martin: Yeah.

Gainey: And what about your playoff experience since 2004?

Martin: You heard the part where I said I worked for the Florida Panthers, right?

Gainey: Sorry. My mistake. What about in St. Louis, what was your playoff record like there?

Martin: No idea. Like I said, nobody remembers me coaching the Blues.

Gainey: Fair enough. As you know, the media here in Montreal can be difficult. What sort of experience do you have dealing with the media?

Martin: Well, in Ottawa they were very difficult to deal with. They were constantly asking me for autographs, bringing me coffee, or just offering me random hugs and back rubs. But they could be nasty, too. Sometimes, when we choked in the playoffs against a team we should have easily beaten, somebody would actually write a negative article. They'd always apologize the next day and print a retraction, but still, it was pretty rough.

Gainey: And what about dealing with all the hockey media in Florida, was that difficult?

Martin: (Laughs)

Gainey: (Laughs)

Martin: So anyways, I'm sure I could handle the Montreal media. I have a well-tested strategy for working with the press.

Gainey: Which is?

Martin: I'm so incredibly boring that they all quit after fifteen minutes of listening to me.

Gainey: Well Jacques, I think you're our man. Do you have any questions for me?

Martin: Just one: Any update on the ownership situation?

Gainey: We're expecting an announcement soon, but I can't really say more than that.

Martin: Understood.

Gainey: You like Celine Dion music, right?

Martin: Um...